Election Fever Hits Twatt
Silverspoon: no comment on the Holocaust.
Yes, this fine and noble country is gripped by election madness. Everywhere you go, otherwise sanguine and unflappable citizens who in other times would appear unconcerned by a small invasion of Martians or an outbreak of the plague, are running around like crazed fools, sweating the small stuff over the likelihood of a hung parliament on May 6. Get a grip people!
And of course, no-one is being driven further to distraction than our very own Stewart Silverspoon, MEP for the South West and Conservative candidate for the seat of Twatt, Cornwall. This week he has been facing off with the big guns on Twatt FM. Let's hope he sticks to talking about about his plans for unblocking Twatt's sink and doesn't mention the Blacks. Or Immigration. Or Auschwitz - definitely nothing about that.
My wife stands by me at this difficult time...
A Change is Gonna Come in Twatt. Are you ready punk?
How fresh is your Twatt?
So finally, the election date has officially been announced. Yes readers, May 6 is the day that Twatt gets to throw the hatchet-faced Madge Vaj out by voting for the only candidate for real change - me, Stewart Silverspoon MP. Well, bring it on. Obviously I have been working for a fresher South West from the European Parliament for the last year, but this is the moment I have been waiting for - the chance to implement my plans for a fresher, younger, tighter Twatt. This will be my last post in my Fresh Twatt column during the election, as I have to get on my battlebus and get out the Tory vote. But you can follow the progress of my campaign, and read about all the changes that I am proposing every day via my daily tweets:
- a progressive policy of tielessness for all local professionals, paid for out of efficiency savings in Twatt Town Hall (I will personally be reducing my six-strong residential staff from my second home in Happy Bottom by a third);
- hybrid-technology busses servicing the High street, reducing emissions from your Twatt by 70%, and a brand new terminus for these planet-hugging machines, built over a virtually disused Children's Centre. The bus station will be paid for by closing the grossly inefficient fire station, which I have discovered is only operational when a fire is reported!
- a Maris Piper potato in every street in Twatt, supporting the invaluable work that our local police force (PC Bill Handlebars) carries out in the community. The Community Support Potato scheme will be paid for out of Bill's salary, when he is regrettably sacked next month.
So as you can see these are not idle promises, nor a wish list of un-costed gimmicks, as Ms Vaj has suggested. These are real changes that I will be bringing to fix Twatt's sink, and end the years of harmful wealth redistribution in our community since the Conservatives successfully broke the Union of Cornish Tin Miners (Now Uni-Corn) fifteen years ago. Can we really endure five more years of Madge Vaj and her target-obsessed cronies? Can we stand by whilst she launches yet another ill-thought out scheme to provide hideously wasteful round-the-clock care to Twatt's pensioners? Or put the Council Tax up by 1p so that she can build a swanky new youth club for the black and asian hoodies potentially destroying our neighbourhood? It makes me shudder just to think about it.
But, in the words of the late great Notorious B.I.G., Things Done Changed. On May 6, Twatt will come to its senses and return me to parliament. And you too have a part to play in a Conservative victory. My close friend David Cameron also needs your vote: a vote for change. People have said to me, "We can't go back to the eighties!" To which I often reply, why not?! Really, what was so bad about that decade? Didn't everyone (well nearly everyone) get richer? Didn't everyone (quite a lot of people anyway) have the opportunity to improve their lives? And didn't everyone (well many of the Silverspoon clan for sure) love TV's greatest crime-fighting duo, Hardcastle and McCormick? In fact, who wouldn't go back there tomorrow, given half the chance?
Well, now the whole nation has a real chance to go backward on May 6. I'm asking you to not to Change Your Mind. Change For Me. Yes my friends, Something Changed. In the glorious words of the Silverspoon family motto: MUTATIS OPES NUSQUAM (The Times They Are A-Changing).
Vote Conservative.
When it comes to violent crime, I’m behind the potato.
What's That Black Kid Up To?
"A big hello to all the regular readers of my campaign journal, Twatt Matters, not to mention avid online followers of my twitter feed, Silver Twatter. As you all know, I am busy doorstepping my potential constituents in the historic Cornish mining town of Twatt, and telling them about my plans for tielessness in their community. Yes: if Twatt returns me to Parliament, I will banish the blight of regularly tied ties from public places, but no: there will not be an outright ban on Windsor knots, which are a fine British tradition. Under the Conservatives, it will be responsibly managed social change, carefully policed.
And talking of the police, this week my opponent - Labour candidate Madge Vag - took me to task over my plans for a restructured police force in the town. And when I say 're-structured' I mainly mean sacked. It is very true that in these difficult economic times, police budgets will need to be carefully trimmed. Locally loved PC Bill Handlebars will sadly be let go after nearly 30 years of service, but rest assured, your safety is paramount. Bill will be replaced by a Community Support Potato. CSPs are an integral part of any 21st century crime-reduction strategy, but they are particularly suited to tackle black, single mother and lesbian criminals in our community.
Police Constable Bill Handlebars: restructured
I am often asked whether there is any actual difference between a regular Police Constable, such as poor, jobless Bill - only three years from retirement and now completely unemployable - and a potato. And I can honestly say: No, not really, apart from the fact that the potato is unable to arrest, or in fact identify a criminal, and the potato is not really able to apprehend a criminal in the act of getting away, and that the potato is therefore essentially unable to stop any criminal activity occurring.
But the important thing is that the potato is a deterrent to crime. Just one look at our faithful CSP, in its high visibility vest, sporting its fearsome moustache and boggly eyes ... well, when I think about it, Bill and the potato really do have a frightening similarity, but that's probably a good thing. The important difference is that the potato - unlike dear old, partially sighted and slightly drunken Bill - can and will stop crime in the community. All it has to do is blow on its little whistle, and call for back-up. Which it doesn't have.
So this plucky Maris Piper, thrown into the plug-hole of Britain's broken sink, will undoubtedly have its work cut out. As I explained in my page 23 interview of the Morning Twatt last week, keeping Twatt safe does matter to me, because violent crime is on the rise, and the hooded youth of this broken society is to blame. When I say violent crime is "on the rise", I don't necessarily mean it is statistically rising, because if you're interested in statistics, they'll probably show that violent crime has in fact fallen in Twatt, year on year since Labour came to power.
But statistics won't keep your grandma safe at night, or stop your hubcaps being stolen from your drive: just ask the man in the pub. I've spoken to him, I've heard his concerns, and yes, I even bought him a pint of finest Twatter. That man is scared witless. He hasn't even left the pub for the last three years because of the things he has heard that have very probably been happening in his own town. He's demanding neighbourhood safety initiatives such as my "What's That Black Kid Up To?" campaign, which aims to reflect voter concerns about Black and Asian kids hanging around the Cineworld multiplex and acting suspiciously. Granted, not every Black or Asian kid is an actual criminal, but they are all potential criminals.
Community Support Potato Maris Piper: ready for action
Which is where our CSP comes in. He's a potential crime-fighter, which is why he is perfectly suited to deal with the horrific nightly knifings and terrifying daylight muggings that will definitely happen sometime in the future, quite possibly in or around Twatt, or certainly the South West of this hemisphere if not our proud land. Only with the sort of compassionate scaremongering that I am promising can we make this future a reality. As my family motto proudly declares: MANE POTATIS PREHENDO VERMIS [The early potato catches the worm]. With your support, I can get this potato into your Twatt."
Stewart Silverspoon is Conservative MEP for the South West and is standing for the seat of Twatt in the next general election.
A Fresher Twatt in 2010: Silverspoon campaign launched
Silverspoon: not pro-carpet munching
As you are all perfectly well aware, this month saw the slightly cack-handed launch of the Cameron Campaign to clean up Broken Britain, and flog it off cheap at a Tory car boot sale. Our own man for the job of fixing Twatt's 'broken sink' - MEP Stewart Silverspoon - is also out on the campaign trail, patiently trying to explain to the villagers why their mining town would be so much nicer with a couple more hybrid-technology busses and a few less carpet-munching dole-scum. Let's all drink to that!
You know what they say, there aren't no friend loike that up Twatt...
Holy Christmas – It’s Empire FM’s annual review of all our programming in 2009 type thing!
So you've eaten your fifteenth serving of turkey and there's absolutely nothing else to do than to curl up on the sofa and watch Victoria "Dead" Wood and listen to Auntie Sheila involuntarily break wind, eh? Wrong! Because as a special end-of-year treat (because we couldn't be arsed writing anything new) Empire FM is proud to bring you the highlights of all its traditional, i.e. racist, output over the last year. So sit back, actually come a bit closer to the screen, bit closer still ... STOP. Now grab your mouse and start clicking through to multiple pages of FUN!
News that's twice as nice: Empire FM!
Britain's Favourite Radio Station* kicked off the year with a brand new breakfast show that brought you all the news you didn't know you needed to know, just when you didn't have any time to listen to it! Presenters Patrick Creeper and Stephanie Slapwell soon enamoured themselves to their listeners with their unique blend of inane banter and clueless interviewing, whilst their intrepid reporter in the field, Martin Hammertime, asked the difficult questions no other station was prepared - or bothered - to ask. Thanks to Up and at 'em England!, we found out ten fail-safe remedies for swelling of the joints, and why Adamski is now yodelling for a living. But we still have no idea what we were doing in Iraq, so it was probably a good thing we left when we did.
In April Empire FM celebrated St George's day the only way we knew how - by devoting 24 hours of impartial programming championing the best of British, and explaining why all the rest are a bit backward to be honest. Plus we got to find out what a Komodo dragon looks like. May brought you important government advice about bringing you neighbour (who is essentially a fanatical terrorist minus the beard), to justice, and we found out that the UK was now on a burnt sienna terror alert. So we should all be thankful that we are even able to read this review of the year in one piece.
Gerry making merry, down on the farm.
That month we also heard the first outing of Escape from Goldenmeadows Homestead, where presenter Gerald Wuthering-Heights invited two city slickers to his farm in Cornwall, and forced them to duel with pigs and learn to make nettle soup. Luckily, plenty of Gerry's famous homebrew was imbibed and everyone had a great time, apart from Gerald who spent most of his time utterly depressed and desperate for a nice donner kebab and a bottle of Blossom Hill from his local Costcutter. Unfortunately, the end of that series saw Goldenmeadows burned to a cinder after a particularly drunken Bonfire Night special, and Gerry now spends his days singing for booze in a theme pub in Twatt.
Of course Empire FM's schedules would not be complete without live broadcasts of England's most vicious and least-known professional sport, Heathen-rules super-agnostic-league reticulated cross-sticks. We were hanging on the every word of legendary commentators Sid "Wife" Beater and Jonathon "Jonno" DeBouvedere as they brought us a thrilling Chaffinch Cup final between the Bandits and the Tits. Would the referee's common-in-law partner allow that Upper Lip Pansy in extra fisting time? Why was there an alsatian on the pitch? To be honest, we would never really find out.
I'm back, cunts!
In June Empire FM scored another exclusive by bringing the nation's finest night-time news ranter - Baxter "Bisto" Bistock - out of seven year retirement from a Home for the Unpredictably Volatile, and back onto the airwaves. Bisto lost no time in showing that he was still cheesed off with the big guns - and gunning for the big cheeses - and as he trained his sights on Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and Bob Ainsworth, then knocked back a Tequila Coconut Sunrise over their mutilated corpses. Oh, and he said "cunt" a lot.
We kicked off the Autumn season with a brand new slot Ask the Experts, courtesy of renowned makeover experts Jamie P Spoon and Daniel McSpaniel. What links Jimmy Choo, Karl Largerfeld, Victoria Beckham and rotten aubergines? You wouldn't know, you're just a useless fashion casualty with bad hair and saggy boobs: only experts have the answers.
Wifred Mimsy: extending a hand to the buttocks of loneliness.
Finally in the last two months of the year we brought you spiritual fulfilment in the form of Rude Thought For The Day, presented by The Unquestionably Reverend Ernest T Spatchcock and The Slightly Reverend Dr Wilfred Mimsy, who urged his aural congregation to consider the important moral conundrums of the modern world: can you pray in a utility room? Does God drink Um Bongo? And what would Jesus have made of Midget Gangbang 7?
So what's in store for you lucky lot in 2010? Well to start with, we are all aching to find out What Gerry Did Next. We've also got another thrilling instalment of Jonno and Sid's coverage of the four-day final of the Chaffinch Cup, and a brand new three-parter from our resident experts Jamie and Dan, called (not unreasonably) Being Irritated By Some Experts. But that's not all: we will also be showcasing a hard-hitting documentary about UK knife crime, featuring Celine Dion and Barry Manilow and entitled Sharp Knives in A Flat. Clever, and tasteful. That's all on 33.9 Empire FM, the radio station for bigots, fascists and Boris Johnson.
Happy Yuletide Seasonings from everyone at Empire!
*Right Wing Ranters and Ranters' Mates, readers' poll 2009.
Golden Meadows Homestead Seasonal Update – Bonfire Night at Golden Meadows
(Ed- You may want to remind yourselves of the previous goings-on at Golden Meadows Homestead first.)
Hello! Gerry here, bringing you another contractual obligation in the form of a seasonal update. You’ll be surprised I'm sure to learn that
I’m writing this from a theme pub in Twatt, six miles away from the farm, where I am currently staying courtesy of the renowned homebrew buff, Oz Clarke. It’s a long story my friends, and it begins towards the end of the harvest season.
Naively I had believed that once all the rotten, mouldy crops were safely gathered and continuing their stinking decomposition in my outhouses, I might actually have the opportunity to go back to London and enjoy a week of take-aways and cheap New World wine from Bargain Booze, but no, my Producer decided that the best way to finish the series was to showcase a grand finale on Bonfire Night down at the Homestead. In true self-sufficient style I was asked to come up with some “home-made alternatives” to fireworks and a low-carbon bonfire solution!
Remember, remember the 2nd of November
Well, sod that for a punnet of organic sharon-fruit, I thought: I wasn’t having any more of it. I raided every skip in a 20 mile radius for every last mattress and set of nested side-tables I could find and built a pyre 15 feet high. Then, after a couple of bottles of my splendid homebrew I spent the rest of this year’s production budget on a massive selection of pet-torturing fireworks. I can honestly say it was the most fun I’ve had since I got to this god-forsaken hell-hole of a farm.
In retrospect I probably didn’t pick the best time to take up smoking again, and was almost certainly too liberal and several days early with the petrol on the bonfire. Perhaps placing the bonfire so close to the gas canisters was a mistake, but now really isn’t the time to start pointing fingers and blaming people for who set fire to what. I think what really matters is the little kiddies who were so entertained. To see their little eyes lighting up for miles around reminded me what November 5th is really all about (or November 2nd as it was in this case).
Golden Meadows Homestead - a little fixer-upper
In the end I think everyone was glad that I was able to reach the pond before the canisters went up, and I’m sure that the various insurance issues that the Producer now faces will all be cleared up soon enough. I don’t think the damage to the house was nearly as bad as everyone thought at the time. Yes, one supporting wall is entirely gone but the other three are mostly able to be re-used, I’m sure whoever takes on the mantle of proprietor of Golden Meadows Homestead next will relish the challenge of a little fixer-upper, and good luck to you I say!
So here I sit in the somewhat less unpleasant confines of the Oz Clarke Wine Bar and Bistro in the quaint village of Twatt. I’d like to say it’s a lovely old boozer, but it’s not, it’s awful. They do, however, have a two for one offer on all bottom-shelf spirits so it’s perfect for my purposes. Luckily I managed to salvage the mailbag from Goldenmeadows, so let's get down to business with one from Penelope in Great Snoring:
"Dear Gerry,
I'm having a terrible time with weeds at the moment, but don't want to resort to harmful chemicals. Can you suggest any effective, organic weedkillers?"
Well Penny, my dear, I recently discovered a massive conflagration to be a highly effective weed and pest controller, enjoy!