Tarquin Vandertwatt’s department devastated by cuts at BBC
Tarquin: 'incampotent'
Hi, Tarquin here again, and, y'know I've got to tell you, it's been a pretty crazy week. Not very cool stuff has happened, If I'm going to be honest, and as the head of Future Imaginary Diametric Digital Lifestyle Innovation Newness Group (F.I.D.D.L.I.N.G), I'm always honest with the licence-fee paying public. In fact, I'm incandescent with impotent rage (I call it 'incampotent'). You've all read the stories about the cuts being made at the B.B.C. The way I see it, if we need to rationalise our content platforms to remain competitive in a multi-mega-media age of future technology, then fine: we can strip out or down-size or outsource as much as we need when it comes to "public service" assets such as creative programming departments, new music radio stations and so-called "regional issues-based journalism". But man: when they threaten to take the axe to the B.B.C's most valuable future audience delivery unit, well that really bakes my Tilapia.
So my boss and so-called "pal" Mark Thompson crashed our latest F.I.D.D.L.I.N.G. Innovative Newness session held at the Burj Al Arab Hotel, Dubai (it's perfect for rewarding teams for doing their jobs - check it out!) on Tuesday with the horrific news. "Tarq", he says - as I'm about to announce my plan to restructure the whole department so that everyone has the same amount of syllables in their title - "Tarq, we've cut back virtually every last scintilla of original production at the Beeb. I hate to do this kid, I really do, but you've got to make some hard decisions in your own back yard. You gotta either cut your secretarial budget or the car hire: you decide. If you can't take the hit, we're going to have to look at your own remuneration package and expenses." And out he went for an executive re-charge session, swimming with some imported dolphins, stroking his achingly-fashionable three-day old beard and slapping his big, concerned forehead.
Well, like I say, it's been a week of tough choices. However, to maintain content quality across our remaining channel, that choice had to be made. Yeah, she's got impressive headlights, awesome curves, and purrs beautifully when you're changing lanes - but my Personal Delivery Assistant, Lucy, is clearly a luxury in our frugal times that I can't keep spending the bucks on. Let me make it very clear: I'm worth every penny of my £600, 000 pa salary (plus automatic future audience bonus), and I'm not exactly going to meet the movers and shakers in Digital Futurism by holding my audience-focused thinking sessions in Shepherd's Bush - can you get visibility on that?! Besides - the Bellagio, Las Vegas, has the loosest slots in town - which is, like, total value for your licence fee, so if you weigh up the transport options there, giving up the 24-hour personal luxury car and chauffeur hire doesn't make any sense.
Lucy: needs to be saved
Still, it's not like I wanna cut jobs from our essential new frontier services. I mean, if F.I.D.D.L.I.N.G. didn't exist, how on earth would we be able to imaginatively create cool new visioning platform options every month? But there is still time for the Great British Public to put a stop to this madness. There is already a "Save Lucy" facebook group that you can join, and literally six of the Senior FIDDLERS have, not to mention actual news broadcasters with real journalists on other channels out there who want to listen to what the people of Britain have to say on this issue, and speak truth to power. So come on guys! With your help, maybe I can keep my P.A., car, salary, bonus, and golden "how are you doing?" payments, and still have enough dough to bring back Walking With Mice in 3D. It may be a wild, crazy dream by someone dangerously unqualified to make assessments about the future of public service broadcasting in the 21st century, but that's my visionisation for the Beeb.
Tarquin Vandertwatt mourns the loss of a legend at the Beeb
Tarquin - devastated.
Hi, Tarquin here again, and I'm sure that, like me, you were shocked and saddened to hear that after 13 years of service Jonathan Ross will be leaving the BBC. Here at FIDDLING, the BBC's most valuable multi-platform future audience delivery unit, we are in 24/7 talent-mourning lockdown as we privately mourn the Loss of Ross. It was with great difficulty that I was able to share this loss with my Personal Delivery Assistant, Lucy, and 20 of my closest FIDDLERS at Belushi's, Shepherds Bush, during a three hour 'Innovative Newness' session.
The genius of Ross was his ability to reach such a wide audience. With his high-profile, prime-time chat show - the only one of its kind on the BBC, his three-hour prime time radio show on the most listened to station in the country, and his half-hour long weekly film review programme, again the only one of its kind on the BBC he captured the hearts of millions. To be able to reach such a great number of people with only 4.5 exclusive hours of prime-time broadcasting a week on the most popular networks in the country just goes to show what a talent the BBC loses in "Wossy".
Genius.
I find it difficult to really put into words what it was about Ross that made him such a truly infectious personality, but I think the BBC's own Media Correspondent, Torin Douglas, best articulated it when he said, "A lot of people hate him ... but that's because he's an arse-licking imbecile with a nauseating taste in suits." [Surely: "... but lots of others love him"? - Ed.] Who could fail to be amused when, on Russell Brand's radio show, he left a message on Andrew Sach's answerphone to say that Brand quite fancied a Wardolf Salad? Or what about the time when presenting the Royal Variety Performance, he turned to address the Royal Box and enquired whether the Queen had been flicking her bean during Michael Buble's performance? Priceless!
On his prime-time chat show he was able, through careful research of his interviewees, to give his massive audience fascinating insights into the stars of the day, such as Dizzee Rascal ("Your first album won the Mercuwy Prize. Did it help your caweer?"), Ben Stiller (Your new film is Night At The Museum 2. Has it already opened in Amewica?"), or a reclusive Ricky Gervais (The Office set a new standard for office-based sit-coms. Will Extwas be as bwilliant?") Is £3m a year too much for an interviewer of that calibre? I think not.
Yes it is a great loss to the BBC, of that there is no doubt. One thing is certain: the Corporation must now channel all its energies into finding, nurturing and developing a similar talent so that they can then go on to take home the salary of over one hundred assistant producers whilst attracting audiences to programmes and schedule slots that have traditionally garnered high viewing figuers whatever their content. These are exciting and cool new times. The next overpaid, over-rated, tactless, giggling idiot is out there, just waiting to be discovered. And I hope I'm not accused of dancing on the grave of Jonathan "The Boss" Ross when I say: Welcome to the Beeb, Michael McIntyre.