There was a what??
**NEWS FLASH**
This surprised us as much as anyone, and you’re not going to believe it, but apparently there was an ELECTION LAST WEEK!! I know!! When the hell did that happen? You’d think they could have mentioned it on the telly or something wouldn’t you? Anyway, long story short, the Tories are in power again (kind of) but only because all of a sudden Call-Me-Dave Cameron and Nick “wouldn’t-have-known-who-he-was-if-he’d-introduced-himself-4-weeks-ago” Clegg are now apparently taking warm showers together and cuddling long into the night.
The main story here is that the Conservative Party are in government again. Now regular readers of How Inappropriate will be aware that we are long-time supporters of the blue team, and have admired their policies, politics and dramatic lack of chins or conscience for many, many years. We yearn for the days of 3 million unemployed and persecution of the vulnerable for the sake of a bit of tax-cutting for the richest in society; it’s what made Britain great. The question that immediately bursts forth from our quivering lips though is “What next for the Kompashonit Konservativz?” (yes we learned to spell under a Tory govt. too.)
It’s a dilemma, the Tories’ main philosophy revolves around selling anything that rightfully belongs to the British public in order to promote dubious and failing free-market ideologies. But of course, they sold everything in the 80s, and Nu Labour, being a spineless bunch of pseudo-Thatcherites under the thrall of Tony “I’ve-got-a-grin-like-a-Cheshire-Cat-that-doesn’t-waver-for-a-second-even-when-someone-mentions-a-million-dead-Iraqis” Blair, didn’t bother reversing those sales. So what to sell next? There’s nothing left! The national cupboards are bare! They sold the cupboards! They’re now owned by a Conglomerate based in Belize!
Well we’re not going to let a problem like this go unsolved so we’ve racked our brains for literally minutes and come up with the following suggestions of what they can privatise next:
1. The Air.
Might not seem like the obvious choice and attaching sponsorship to something invisible and ubiquitous might be tricky but with lower taxes no doubt some dazzling entrepreneur can find a way to make us somehow think of Pepsi or JP Morgan Investments every time we inhale. For too long people in this country have lazed about thinking that they can just breathe this oxygen as if it’s their own.
2. The British Public.
The sheer capital gain to be made from exploiting the vast reserves or human labour available in this nation of ours makes this an un-missable opportunity. If we were to simply sell into slavery all those members of the public who contribute nothing to GDP: stay-at-home mothers, the poor, the unemployed, the disabled (all the non-working disabled anyway, which, let’s be honest, is most of them the lazy sods), we could pay down our deficit and allow everyone earning over £250,000 a year to pay absolutely no tax at all!
3. The Queen.
Frankly we can’t believe nobody’s thought of this before. It’s obvious, everyone loves her, she’s recognised the world over and the sponsorship rights alone would provide enough revenue to give every right-minded person in this country a fox to mindlessly chase down and butcher every weekend. If that doesn’t sell it to you, picture this:
This year's Christmas Address to the Nation is brought to you by Anne Summers - 2-4-1 on all rabbit-headed dildos from now until the end of January
We rest our case.
So come on you Tories, let's not feel glum, yes it's true you couldn't win an election outright even after 13 years of a Labour government which had betrayed it's grassroots supporters, waged 2 un-winnable wars and presided over the worst recession since WWII, but all is not lost, there are still national treasures to flog and poor people to persecute, so come on, on your bikes and back to work!
How Inappropriate’s Election Guide to the Big Ones
We know now that the majority of you consider How Inappropriate to be your most reliable source of information in this crazy world in which we live. We're very proud of that fact but also consider it a great responsibility. This week we intend to give you all the info you'll ever need about the 3 major British political parties in order to better prepare you for when you can't be bothered getting off your fat arses to go and vote. Without further ado we give you mainstream British politics in a nutshell.
 Gordon Brown |  Key Policies: 1. Cut public services to reduce deficit. 2. Regulate banks to ensure conditions that created deficit do not arise again - but only a bit. 3. Encourage economic recovery through raising stamp duty threshold and supporting first-time house buyers. 4. Securing The Future. 5. Bringing Honesty back to Politics. 6. Changing a Fairer Britain. 7. Fair, honest, future, change, future futurey, changey change, fairy fairer. 8. Um ... 9. Er ... 10. Approve a new Heathrow runway. In the event of a Hung Parliament: > Will get into bed with Lib Dems. |
 David Cameron |  Key Policies: 1. Cut public services to reduce deficit. 2. Regulate banks to ensure conditions that created deficit do not arise again - but only a bit. 3. Encourage economic recovery through raising stamp duty threshold and supporting first-time house buyers. 4. Building A Bigger Britain. 5. Power to the People. 6. Real Change For an Honest Society. 7. Fair, honest, future, change, future futurey, changey change, fairy fairer. 8. Um ... 9. Er ... 10. Approve a new Wind Power station. In the event of a Hung Parliament: > Will get into bed with anyone. |
 Nick Clegg |  Key Policies: 1. Cut public services to reduce deficit. 2. Regulate banks to ensure conditions that created deficit do not arise again - but only a bit. 3. Encourage economic recovery through raising stamp duty threshold and supporting first-time house buyers. 4. Hardwiring A Powerful Future. 5. Securing Honest Change. 6. Mild Green Fairer Liquid. 7. Fair, honest, future, change, future futurey, changey change, fairy fairer. 8. Um ... 9. Er ... 10. Reject a new Trident system. In the event of a Hung Parliament: > Will collectively jizz in party pants. |
A Change is Gonna Come in Twatt. Are you ready punk?
How fresh is your Twatt?
So finally, the election date has officially been announced. Yes readers, May 6 is the day that Twatt gets to throw the hatchet-faced Madge Vaj out by voting for the only candidate for real change - me, Stewart Silverspoon MP. Well, bring it on. Obviously I have been working for a fresher South West from the European Parliament for the last year, but this is the moment I have been waiting for - the chance to implement my plans for a fresher, younger, tighter Twatt. This will be my last post in my Fresh Twatt column during the election, as I have to get on my battlebus and get out the Tory vote. But you can follow the progress of my campaign, and read about all the changes that I am proposing every day via my daily tweets:
- a progressive policy of tielessness for all local professionals, paid for out of efficiency savings in Twatt Town Hall (I will personally be reducing my six-strong residential staff from my second home in Happy Bottom by a third);
- hybrid-technology busses servicing the High street, reducing emissions from your Twatt by 70%, and a brand new terminus for these planet-hugging machines, built over a virtually disused Children's Centre. The bus station will be paid for by closing the grossly inefficient fire station, which I have discovered is only operational when a fire is reported!
- a Maris Piper potato in every street in Twatt, supporting the invaluable work that our local police force (PC Bill Handlebars) carries out in the community. The Community Support Potato scheme will be paid for out of Bill's salary, when he is regrettably sacked next month.
So as you can see these are not idle promises, nor a wish list of un-costed gimmicks, as Ms Vaj has suggested. These are real changes that I will be bringing to fix Twatt's sink, and end the years of harmful wealth redistribution in our community since the Conservatives successfully broke the Union of Cornish Tin Miners (Now Uni-Corn) fifteen years ago. Can we really endure five more years of Madge Vaj and her target-obsessed cronies? Can we stand by whilst she launches yet another ill-thought out scheme to provide hideously wasteful round-the-clock care to Twatt's pensioners? Or put the Council Tax up by 1p so that she can build a swanky new youth club for the black and asian hoodies potentially destroying our neighbourhood? It makes me shudder just to think about it.
But, in the words of the late great Notorious B.I.G., Things Done Changed. On May 6, Twatt will come to its senses and return me to parliament. And you too have a part to play in a Conservative victory. My close friend David Cameron also needs your vote: a vote for change. People have said to me, "We can't go back to the eighties!" To which I often reply, why not?! Really, what was so bad about that decade? Didn't everyone (well nearly everyone) get richer? Didn't everyone (quite a lot of people anyway) have the opportunity to improve their lives? And didn't everyone (well many of the Silverspoon clan for sure) love TV's greatest crime-fighting duo, Hardcastle and McCormick? In fact, who wouldn't go back there tomorrow, given half the chance?
Well, now the whole nation has a real chance to go backward on May 6. I'm asking you to not to Change Your Mind. Change For Me. Yes my friends, Something Changed. In the glorious words of the Silverspoon family motto: MUTATIS OPES NUSQUAM (The Times They Are A-Changing).
Vote Conservative.
A Fresher Twatt in 2010: Silverspoon campaign launched
Silverspoon: not pro-carpet munching
As you are all perfectly well aware, this month saw the slightly cack-handed launch of the Cameron Campaign to clean up Broken Britain, and flog it off cheap at a Tory car boot sale. Our own man for the job of fixing Twatt's 'broken sink' - MEP Stewart Silverspoon - is also out on the campaign trail, patiently trying to explain to the villagers why their mining town would be so much nicer with a couple more hybrid-technology busses and a few less carpet-munching dole-scum. Let's all drink to that!
You know what they say, there aren't no friend loike that up Twatt...
HI Review Of The “Noughties”
I bloody love the noughties!
How Inappropriate would be as insignificant as Paris Hilton's dignity if we weren't, at this time of year, to strap on our reverso-specs, turn the soft-focus up to eleven and get well and truly misty-eyed about the previous decade as it's bloodied corpse lies chilling and undisturbed, apart from the occasional internet sodomisation, on the kitchen floor of time. Fortunately we already have the definitive voice, the figurehead of retrospection in the form of Marc Butterfinger, our very own Nostaliga Man. Here is his carefully chosen Top Ten of all things bright and beautiful that happened between 2000 and today.
Wotcha! Marc here, Happy New Year! I bloody love new year, it's brilliant, old father time comes in to slay the passing year, and alcoholics all over the land can for a brief, shining moment show the rest of us how it's done without the usual shame, crushing depression or need to attend meetings. Without further ado, here are the moments I loved the most in the noughties, year by year:
Bush Smush.
Bush Smush.
2000
Al Gore eleted to US Presidency
Bush never really stood a chance to be fair. When all your hopes rest on your brother's own state messing up the results so you can take it to a Supreme Court you also own, it's all a bit tenuous. Gore won comfortably in the end, came out as gay just a week after, swapped the military budget for the education budget the week after, brought home all US troops and put them to work strengthening the levies around New Orleans. Wonderfully prescient in many ways.
Where were you?
Where were you?
2001
9/11/2001
Never forget. Eh? Eh! Who could forget? On the 9th November 2001 David Davies and David Cameron threw their hats into the ring to do battle for the leadership of the Conservative Party. Did the world change that day? I think so. The kaleidoscope was shaken, and these two giants of opposition politics fought for the heart and soul of a party that had been out of power for 4 years. Responses were swift and brutal with a Labour rpess release labelling Davies as "out of touch" and Cameron as "inexperienced". The emotion. The shock. The solidarity we all felt as Conservative MPs tried to decide who to back. Never forget.
Pissed up on booze
Pissed up on booze
2002
Diana Ross Arrested For Drink-Driving
Who could forget when troubled 58 year old Motown legend Diana Ross was caught drunk behind the wheel? I personally shed bitter, disappointed tears when Ross was found to have a blood alcohol content of 0.20%, twice the legal limit in the state of Arizona where she was arrested. I'm sure she was suffering from more than a "Love Hangover" when she woke up in a cell the next morning!
Film event of the decade
Film event of the decade
2003
American Wedding Released
The most anticipated film of the decade? I think that's undeniable, people queued for minutes to get tickets to the premiere of this third installment of the American Pie franchise. Hollywood once again showing how sequels can stand alone as great films in their own right.
My opponent was worthy
My opponent was worthy
2004
Gore wins second term
Gore's presidency continues to provide surprises as he wins the presidency comfortably once again after fighting a campain exclusively using Powerpoint presentations with lots of graphs.
Bootiful
Bootiful
2005
Buncefield Oil Depot Fire
On the morning of 11th December residents around Buncefield near Hemel Hempsted in Hampshire were fortunate enough to witness one of the largest explosions ever on British soil. Plumes of smoke rising high into the sky over a wintery UK, beautiful. You just don't get explosions like that anymore.
Democratisation of knowledge
Democratisation of knowledge
2006
Paris Hilton most searched for subject on Google News
Democratisation of knowledge finally complete as, in a year that saw Russia cut gas supplies to the Ukraine in the middle of a harsh winter, Saddam Hussein executed, the Football World Cup, a serial killer in Ipswich and a new secretary elected to head the United Nations, users of the world's largest Internet search engine had their eyes on a mentally subnormal hotel fortune heiress.
Extended to 2008!!
Extended to 2008!!
2007
International Year of the Dolphin
Need I say more?
The Pink Knicker Index was up 3 points today.
The Pink Knicker Index was up 3 points today.
2008
Nothing momentous happens in the economy at all
2008 really stood out for the uneventful nature of the financial system. After Al Gore's 2 terms in the US Presidency and Tony Blair being ousted so early in his premiership to make way for the surprising choice of Katie "Jordan" Price as leader of the Labour Party and Uk Prime Minister, there was a significant change in Western political ideology. The consensus turned away from an over-reliance on already unpredictable financial markets and with more insightful regulation, introduction of a global Tobin tax and a linking of all currencies to the value of a paparazzi shot of the UK Prime Minister's knickers, the global economy saw unprecedented stability with a focus on sustainability rather than growth.
We haven't got a clue.
We haven't got a clue.
2009
How Inappropriate joins Twitter
The fastest growing social media networking tool is joined by the fastest growing comedy trio. A year of "not really getting it" follows. Bloody brilliant!
So there you have it nostaliga-lovers! I think we can all agree it's been a bleedin' fantastic decade, I only wish I could go back and do it all again! Cheers! Marc xx
Stewart Silverspoon on the Campaign Trail in Twatt
Silverspoon: man for the job
Apparently David Cameron is going to be Prime Minister next. News Media outlets in this country could not be more positive about thatand, coming hot on the back of their astonishingly accurate predictions of the massive economic crash we've just experienced, who could possibly doubt them? So you'll be wanting to get to know your local Conservative candidate, we've already had a number of blog entries from Twatt's very own Stewart Silverspoon, and now we're out following him as he "doorsteps" his constituents. WARNING! THIS SKETCH CONTAINS ACCENTS THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND OFFENSIVE!