Tarquin Vandertwatt’s department devastated by cuts at BBC

Tarquin: 'incampotent'

Hi, Tarquin here again, and, y'know I've got to tell you, it's been a pretty crazy week. Not very cool stuff has happened, If I'm going to be honest, and as the head of Future Imaginary Diametric Digital Lifestyle Innovation Newness Group (F.I.D.D.L.I.N.G), I'm always honest with the licence-fee paying public. In fact, I'm incandescent with impotent rage (I call it 'incampotent'). You've all read the stories about the cuts being made at the B.B.C. The way I see it, if we need to rationalise our content platforms to remain competitive in a multi-mega-media age of future technology, then fine: we can strip out or down-size or outsource as much as we need when it comes to "public service" assets such as creative programming departments, new music radio stations and so-called "regional issues-based journalism". But man: when they threaten to take the axe to the B.B.C's most valuable future audience delivery unit, well that really bakes my Tilapia.

So my boss and so-called "pal" Mark Thompson crashed our latest F.I.D.D.L.I.N.G. Innovative Newness session held at the Burj Al Arab Hotel, Dubai (it's perfect for rewarding teams for doing their jobs - check it out!) on Tuesday with the horrific news. "Tarq", he says - as I'm about to announce my plan to restructure the whole department so that everyone has the same amount of syllables in their title - "Tarq, we've cut back virtually every last scintilla of original production at the Beeb. I hate to do this kid, I really do, but you've got to make some hard decisions in your own back yard. You gotta either cut your secretarial budget or the car hire: you decide. If you can't take the hit, we're going to have to look at your own remuneration package and expenses." And out he went for an executive re-charge session, swimming with some imported dolphins, stroking his achingly-fashionable three-day old beard and slapping his big, concerned forehead.

Well, like I say, it's been a week of tough choices. However, to maintain content quality across our remaining channel, that choice had to be made. Yeah, she's got impressive headlights, awesome curves, and purrs beautifully when you're changing lanes - but my Personal Delivery Assistant, Lucy, is clearly a luxury in our frugal times that I can't keep spending the bucks on. Let me make it very clear: I'm worth every penny of my £600, 000 pa salary (plus automatic future audience bonus), and I'm not exactly going to meet the movers and shakers in Digital Futurism by holding my audience-focused thinking sessions in Shepherd's Bush - can you get visibility on that?! Besides - the Bellagio, Las Vegas, has the loosest slots in town - which is, like, total value for your licence fee, so if you weigh up the transport options there, giving up the 24-hour personal luxury car and chauffeur hire doesn't make any sense.

Lucy: needs to be saved

Still, it's not like I wanna cut jobs from our essential new frontier services. I mean, if F.I.D.D.L.I.N.G. didn't exist, how on earth would we be able to imaginatively create cool new visioning platform options every month? But there is still time for the Great British Public to put a stop to this madness. There is already a "Save Lucy" facebook group that you can join, and literally six of the Senior FIDDLERS have, not to mention actual news broadcasters with real journalists on other channels out there who want to listen to what the people of Britain have to say on this issue, and speak truth to power. So come on guys! With your help, maybe I can keep my P.A., car, salary, bonus, and golden "how are you doing?" payments, and still have enough dough to bring back Walking With Mice in 3D. It may be a wild, crazy dream by someone dangerously unqualified to make assessments about the future of public service broadcasting in the 21st century, but that's my visionisation for the Beeb.