Euro-Twatt – Silverspoon elected to European Parliament

The turnout at the June 4 European elections, just 43%, the lowest since the Parliament opened its doors in 1979,  wasn't shocking, but wearily expected. It prompted the question, what the blimmin heck are MEPs for exactly? But for Team GB, the news that we have elected two Hitler-loving fascist MEPs to Europe truly is shocking: Britain really is the sick man of Europe. Actually, scratch that, Nick Griffin is the sick man of Europe. And we mean that literally - have you seen a more pale, yet less interesting man in politics? Someone should really get Griffin to eat his greens. In a way, the protestors at today's BNP's ill-fated press conference were doing him a favour: eggs, even eggs-of-death, contain lots of protein. So with all this hand-wringing, its good to know that one man, our very own Stewart Silverspoon, MEP for the South-West, is fighting for truth, justice and the European Way. Well sort of.

Griffin: a whiter shade of pale

"On 4th June, Cornish votes for the Conservatives have meant a vote for change in Twatt. As a newly elected Member of the European Party, I will be part of a new group in the European Parliament, the Great British Freedom-lovers and Euro-sceptic Christian Democrats (GBF / ECDs) committed to a new ten-point plan for Europe:

1. Three years ago, I pledged that I would join forces with the Leader of the Modovian Singing Democrats to form a new far centre-right, non-federalist, close-harmony political force in Europe. We will now honour that pledge.
2. For too long, the European Parliament has been focussed on the international needs of European members, when we should be focusing on the local needs of Splat and Twatt. Mr Henri Kipfibblstrom and I will seek to change that.
3. In our new, freedom-fighting alliance, we will ensure that Europe is goverened by the principles of accountability and mutual respect. I will be accountable to Mr Kipfibblstrom, and he to I - and we will have mutual respect for each other at all times, except when Mr Kipfibblstrom is getting hot and heavy with my wife, or farm animals.
4. Britain has been let down by other parties over constitutional reform. Voting for the Lisbon treaty has shown wicked disrespect for the voters of Splat and Twatt, who know nothing about Lisbon; not even where it is on a map.
5. Mr Kipfibblstrom and I have recently purchased a blow-up globe whilst on a campaign trip to Splat, and have subsequently discovered that Lisbon is near Spain! We certainly cannot let the letcherous, slimy hands of Mr Jose Manuel Barrosso take control of our interests, certainly not the interests of my wife or farm animals, which are subject only to my hands, or on occasion those of Mr Kipfibblstrom.
6. Mr Kipfibblstrom and I also discovered that double-ended rampant throbbers are being imported into Britain and Moldova from Spain at phenominally marked-up prices, depsite using unregulated chemicals during the manufacturing process. We shall seek between us to investigate this volatile product and expose it to rigorous testing.
7. We will do everything we can to fight the new BNP (Beans Not Peas) members, voting against their pea-hating motions and exposing their fascist manifesto for what it is: a vision of a homogeneous plate of beans. Euughh. Mr Kipfibblstrom and I cannot stand beans, particularly at breakfast.
8. We will take action to make Europe go green, including the introduction of hybrid-technology busses to meet the new European climate change targets. Mr Kipfibblstrom and I go everywhere on busses together, unless of course we are riding our tandem bicycle, whilst lustilly singing in harmony.
9. We will also take action to fight the Common Ties Policy, which has failed to meet its economic, environmental or sartorial objectives, and end the scandal of disused tie-racks.
10. Send the queers back to Russia. Don't mention Section 28!

Using this, ah, revised nine-point plan as a roadmap out of Europe, we will continue to work for a strong Splat / Twatt axis of non-Europeanism, right at the heart of Europe. By collecting our considerably generous pay of £80, 000 pa each, plus a combined expenses account of just shy of half a million pounds, we will show that we are serving our peoples' needs in far better style than if we were sitting in the badly remunerated Parliaments at London or Chisinau. In the noble words of Mr Kipfibblstrom's family motto: "SMRT V EUROS PANKRT" (A fresh turd on the heads of European pinko-liberal morons)."

Stewart Silverspoon a Conservative MEP for the South-West of the UK. He will be continuing to campaign for fresh, young Twatt in Brussels.