About the characters

Welcome, confused new visitor to How Inappropriate (HI). What the dickens is this crazy website all about, I hear you scream in anguish, the tears welling up in your petrified, pleading eyes? Let us, by way of explanation, take you on a whistle-stop tour of the many categories on offer to you on the right-hand sidebar, and introduce you to some of our favourite characters. Characters who are flawed and failed - yes - but in many ways, just like us (and in a more accurate way, just like you).

The Empire FM Crew ...

Ask the Experts, with Jamie P Spoon and Daniel McSpaniel. Isn't it great being an expert? You may know nothing at all about 95% of life, but if you have a degree in Corset Technology from Loughborough University like renowned fashion expert Jamie Spoon, or were once an Assistant Personal Shopper for Cheryl Cole like Dan McSpaniel, you are instantly qualified to preach to the unwashed on your very own makeover show! As well as answering questions about a range of personal fashion dramas and hygiene crises in their monthly Agony Aunt column for HI, they are also famous for providing half-baked self-improvement advice on their Empire FM reality show, Being Irritated By Some Experts. So if you have a problem, if you want to get Lindsay Lohan's waif-like look, if no-one else can help, maybe you should call the Experts. Altogether now, dah-de-dah-daaah, dum-de-dum dum dah...

Escape from Goldenmeadows Homestead, with Gerald "Gerry" Wuthering-Heights. One part Fearnley-Whittingstall, two parts Floyd and served with a twist of Hancock, Gerry is the human equivalent of a cocktail for disaster being regurgitated in a field of dreams. His farm - Goldenmeadows Homestead - has seen crop devastation, mass swineocide [is that actually a farming term? - Ed] and a conflagration in the outhouses, and that was before the end of the first series of his 'back to the good life' rural reality programme had finished being recorded for Empire FM. Spending most of his days pissed on his own lethal homebrew recipe and pining for the glory days spent living the high life as an accountant in Streatham, Gerald is now farmless, homeless, and most importantly series-less. His show stands as a fitting warning of the dangers of sustainable living in the 21st century. >> Follow Gerry's miserable plight on Twitter @GerryW-H.

Heathen-rules super-agnostic-league reticulated cross-sticks, with Sid "Wife" Beater and Jonathon "Jonno" DeBouvedere. HRSALRCS, as it's known to fans across Great Snoring, is England's most vicious and un-sung professional sport, and Empire FM commentators Jonno and Sid remain its greatest champions. Bringing you every Upper-lip Pansy and every hair-raising disembowelling from the Premier League's greatest teams (the Bandits, the Tits and the Silly Wet-Things to name but a few) these two stalwarts of the game lock themselves into their commentary box for literally days at a time, breaking only for Sid to do the dirty with Jonno's wife whilst he is immersed in florid descriptions of extra-fisting activity in the no-man's zone. Yes, Jonno may have several daughters by some of the players' more frustrated wives, and Sid may have occasionally slapped his bitch up when she failed to understand the finer technicalities of "the Ugly Game", but utter professionals in the box? You're not wrong, listener, you're not wrong. >> Get round-by-round tweets @JonnoandSid.

Rude Thought for the Day with The Unqestionably Reverend Ernest T Spatchcock and The Slightly Reverend Dr Wilfred Mimsy. Empire FM may be the number one radio station for bigots, chavs and Boris Johnson, but that doesn't mean that it can't provide thoughtful and spiritual mediation for about two minutes after Up and at 'em England! [see below] every morning. Unfortunately, neither Unq. Rev'd Spathcock nor Sl. Rev'd Dr Mimsy can provide thoughtful and spiritual mediation for even 60 seconds without lapsing into purile innuendo-laden smut-homilies on subjects that would even make the Churchwarden of St Trinians, the busty Miss Lech, blush with shame. So if you want to know what Jesus would have made of Midget Gangbang 7, perhaps you should tune in to Rude Thought for the Day.

The Bisto Roast, with Baxter "Bisto" Bistock. Seven years ago, Baxter Bistock - late night newshound on The Bisto Roast - shot his guest in the head live on air, and was promptly sectioned into a Home for the Unpredictably Volatile in Titsey. For reasons unknown, the producers of Empire FM thought it timely to revive the programme, and re-hire the patient. Whether Baxter's fragile state of mind was up to the challenge was hardly the question. His nightly news show is an impotent howl at the vacuity of modern life, the empty cult of celebrity and the moral bankruptcy of the political class. Welcome back to the still very slightly insane world of Baxter “Bisto” Bistock: now, more than ever, a man who's never afraid to call a cunt a cunt.

Up and at 'em England! with Patrick Creeper, Stephanie Slapwell and featuring Martin "Can't Touch This" Hammertime. Every weekday morning between 5.30 and 9.00, Empire FM's breakfast show brings you all the news you didn't know you needed to know, just when you didn't have any time to listen to it! Presenters Patrick Creeper and Stephanie Slapwell aren't afraid to tackle the difficult, controversial issues of the day: yodelling St. Bernards, some stuff about the economy, Cillit Bang. The only problem is, their harmonious package of inane banter and clueless interviewing is constantly being interrupted by another front-line report from award-winning journalist, Martin Hammertime. He's always banging on about horrendous carnage in the middle east, or child trafficking in Moldova, when what you really want to find out is what's happening in your kind of place. Let's hope he can bring us all a more interesting report in future, rather than selfishly getting his limbs blown off in the pursuit of truth.

... and the best of the rest.

Flange Public Relations, co-founded by Blake Several and Montague Flip. Blake and Monty are like the PR equivalent of a can of Ocean Drizzle in a room full of comedy turds, and since 2008 they have been advising the writers on all sorts of critical website marketing issues; key demographic awareness, brand re-envisioning and using the right sort of mayonnaise for your target audience. Their clients include Domestos, Wonderbra, The Catholic Church, Presley Rimming Ltd T/A Rimming Automatic Reclining Armchairs and Portable Commodes, and - more recently - Empire FM. Blake Several's Planner of Cool has become a cult classic in the Public Relations world, whilst Monty is famed for his ability to have a "champagne moment" every 6 minutes. Blake generally has a glass of champagne every 6 minutes, but his favourite tipple is actually a double demi-skinny cinammon lattecino. Right? right, yeah, sure! Cinnamon.

The Fresh Twatt Campaign, spearheaded by Stewart Silverspoon, MEP. Stewart Silverspoon used to live with a staff of six in a 14th century castle overlooking the Vale of Buckinghamshire. Unfortunately, after the expenses scandal of 2009, he was forced to stand down from his safe seat of Happy Bottom, and represent the South West of England as a member of the Great British Freedom-lovers and Euro-sceptic Christian Democrats (GBF / ECDs). Silverspoon is desperate to get back into English politics, and even more desperate to get into David Cameron's inner circle. He has been instructed to stand for the tiny Cornish tin-mining town of Twatt, at the next election. He is dutifully promoting his platform through his local campaign rag Twatt Matters, and his regular Twitter feed @SilverTwatter, in which he presents his progressive manifesto for a younger, fresher Twatt by introducing hybrid-technology buses, and evicting all the blacks.

Head of Future Imaginary Diametric Digital Lifestyle Innovation Newness Group (F.I.D.D.L.I.N.G), Tarquin Vandertwatt. Tarquin heads up the B.B.C's most valuable future audience delivery unit, where imagination collides head-on with creativity and innovation, and creates a whole new kind of multi-platform synergy, which Tarquin calls "imagicreavation". No-one else at the Beeb calls it this, but that's just how cool and exciting these FIDDLERS are. Tarquin - with his glamorous Personal Delivery Assistant, Lucy (19) - is at the very sharpest point of a cutting-edge "newness frontier" revolutionising the nation's largest publicly funded broadcaster, so his £600, 000 pay packet is thoroughly deserved. He is currently very excited about a multi-platform, interactive, 360-degree production of Celebrity Barbecue Disasters.

Nostalgia Corner, created by Marc Butterfinger. Do you love to remember all the stuff that's happened? Who doesn't?! If so, then Nostalgia Corner is your personal memory Mecca, and Marc is your Haaj hero: a man for all seasons, each decade and every year. Did you wish you could remember exactly what hideous dismemberments occurred at the Battle of Townton, or know what links the Ted Mulry Gang to the Kent State Massacre, or be able to whistle the theme tune to South American children's political cartoon Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego? 'Course you do. And Marc is happy to oblige, because he was there, so for your nostalgic pleasure he'll take you through every awful pop single, bad hairstyle and community-gutting recession blow-by-painful-blow!

The Path of Least Resistance: Denver Bighorn – lead singer, Tender Kibbles – guitars, Kevin Piles - drums and Geoff – bass. TPoLR's first album, I’m So Fucking Sick Of This Shit, was an electro-ambient rock classic tackling the vital issues of the modern world: is there a God? Does the Internet have a purpose? And, can anyone actually draw a good picture in MS Paint? The album was released free of of charge by the band, in a then unique social marketing experiment, and was downloaded 300, 000 times a minute in the first week. The average amount actual paid by fans was £0.0001, or "the same amount as the face value of one of those Boots free haircare vouchers" as the band’s frontman, Denver Bighorn, modestly put it. Today the band live and practice in a moon biosphere because, according to bassist Geoff, “the Earth smells”, and are currently working on their difficult second album, carrying the working title of Your Mum Might Be a Paedophile, but She Makes a Good Lemon Drizzle Cake.