Fresh Twatt – the brand new political blog by Tory MP Stewart Silverspoon!
Like most of the hard-working if slightly retarded members of the Twatt community, I was appalled, shocked, horrified, confused, flatulent and then shocked again, when yesterday morning my butler presented me with my freshly ironed copy of the Daily Telegraph, and I had him read out its leading article revealing the thousands of pounds' worth of expenses claims being fiddled by very rich Tory grandees like George Osborne and myself.
As I roused myself out of my designer Laura Ashley four-poster bed and gazed out of my 14th century castle overlooking the Vale of Buckinghamshire, I reflected on the urgent need to drain, deepen and re-fill the inadequate moat facilities, not to mention the important task of repainting the period drawbridge in Ronseal Wood-U-Pay. And it struck me that this tawdry matter is much bigger than any of us imagined; certainly much bigger than the 140-acre grounds of my admittedly breathcatching second home I have just 'flipped' in Happy Bottom South.
As recently as this weekend, I was telling the odium-filled media pack outside the crumbling portico of my country residence that this was the sort of thing you'd expect from slippery brown bounders like Keith Vaz, and in all certainty a symptom of ungentlemanly avarice exclusively manifested by those on the Labour benches.
Imagine my reaction, then, when I found out that I had personally claimed the maximum limit on my annual second home allowance, including £4, 500 for an organic vegetable patch to be planted by celebrity sustainable-living guru Gerald Wuthering-Heights, £570 for the delivery of horse manure to the same, £5, 200 for pig slaughtering activities, £2, 000 for a personal concert by Adamski for my daughter Felicity's 3rd birthday party, £6, 230 for the heating and making good of the olympic swimming pool behind the orchard, £42 for chauffering services to Twatt Town Hall to engage in campaigning activities, £600 to re-paint the Silverspoon Battle Bus green for same (remove side-panel slogan: "BLACKS OUT, TAX-CUTS IN" and replace with "TIES OUT, HYBRID-TECHNOLOGY BUSSES IN"), £49.99 for a 'Rampant Throbber' double-ended dildo and £7.50 for a packet of 3 energy-saving lightbulbs from Happy Bottom Expense-busters.
Although each and every one of these claims was made within the spirit of the rules, David Cameron was absolutely right to tell me to pay back these expenses as soon as I am ready to. When faced with this appalling littany of personal enrichment from the public purse, there is only one word that will do: the hardest word of all to say.
Ombudsman.
Give back your horse-shit, Silverspoon!
It is vital to re-claim the trust of the good people of Twatt, and improve the democratic conditions that will sweep me to victory in the local elections on 4 June. That is why I will personally submit an early day motion to the house, urging Gordon Brown to set up a new Parliamentary Expenses Ombudsman, with total oversight of a tighter allowance scheme, which I am dubbing "AH HAH" (Additional Homes, Hotels And Horticultural neccessities). Only with this kind of immediate, grovelling contrition will my party be able to convey the moral rectitude it desparately desires to a thoroughly disbelieving electorate.
Please do leave your comments below suggesting ways that we can work together for a fresher Twatt - free second home insulation, subsidised porn channel subscriptions, investment in moat power, anything to take the voters' minds off this appalling timeless tradition. In the words of the Silverspoon family motto: "MAXIMUS VINDICATUM POTENS" (Claim the most that you are able).
Stewart Silverspoon MP is the Conservative candidate for Twatt.