A Change is Gonna Come in Twatt. Are you ready punk?

How fresh is your Twatt?

So finally, the election date has officially been announced. Yes readers, May 6 is the day that Twatt gets to throw the hatchet-faced Madge Vaj out by voting for the only candidate for real change - me, Stewart Silverspoon MP. Well, bring it on. Obviously I have been working for a fresher South West from the European Parliament for the last year, but this is the moment I have been waiting for - the chance to implement my plans for a fresher, younger, tighter Twatt. This will be my last post in my Fresh Twatt column during the election, as I have to get on my battlebus and get out the Tory vote. But you can follow the progress of my campaign, and read about all the changes that I am proposing every day via my daily tweets:

• a progressive policy of tielessness for all local professionals, paid for out of efficiency savings in Twatt Town Hall (I will personally be reducing my six-strong residential staff from my second home in Happy Bottom by a third);
• hybrid-technology busses servicing the High street, reducing emissions from your Twatt by 70%, and a brand new terminus for these planet-hugging machines, built over a virtually disused Children's Centre. The bus station will be paid for by closing the grossly inefficient fire station, which I have discovered is only operational when a fire is reported!
• a Maris Piper potato in every street in Twatt, supporting the invaluable work that our local police force (PC Bill Handlebars) carries out in the community. The Community Support Potato scheme will be paid for out of Bill's salary, when he is regrettably sacked next month.

So as you can see these are not idle promises, nor a wish list of un-costed gimmicks, as Ms Vaj has suggested. These are real changes that I will be bringing to fix Twatt's sink, and end the years of harmful wealth redistribution in our community since the Conservatives successfully broke the Union of Cornish Tin Miners (Now Uni-Corn) fifteen years ago. Can we really endure five more years of Madge Vaj and her target-obsessed cronies? Can we stand by whilst she launches yet another ill-thought out scheme to provide hideously wasteful round-the-clock care to Twatt's pensioners? Or put the Council Tax up by 1p so that she can build a swanky new youth club for the black and asian hoodies potentially destroying our neighbourhood? It makes me shudder just to think about it.

But, in the words of the late great Notorious B.I.G., Things Done Changed. On May 6, Twatt will come to its senses and return me to parliament. And you too have a part to play in a Conservative victory. My close friend David Cameron also needs your vote: a vote for change. People have said to me, "We can't go back to the eighties!" To which I often reply, why not?! Really, what was so bad about that decade? Didn't everyone (well nearly everyone) get richer? Didn't everyone (quite a lot of people anyway) have the opportunity to improve their lives? And didn't everyone (well many of the Silverspoon clan for sure) love TV's greatest crime-fighting duo, Hardcastle and McCormick? In fact, who wouldn't go back there tomorrow, given half the chance?

Well, now the whole nation has a real chance to go backward on May 6. I'm asking you to not to Change Your Mind. Change For Me. Yes my friends, Something Changed. In the glorious words of the Silverspoon family motto: MUTATIS OPES NUSQUAM (The Times They Are A-Changing).

Vote Conservative.