When it comes to violent crime, I’m behind the potato.

What's That Black Kid Up To?

"A big hello to all the regular readers of my campaign journal, Twatt Matters, not to mention avid online followers of my twitter feed, Silver Twatter. As you all know, I am busy doorstepping my potential constituents in the historic Cornish mining town of Twatt, and telling them about my plans for tielessness in their community. Yes: if Twatt returns me to Parliament, I will banish the blight of regularly tied ties from public places, but no: there will not be an outright ban on Windsor knots, which are a fine British tradition.  Under the Conservatives, it will be responsibly managed social change, carefully policed.

And talking of the police, this week my opponent - Labour candidate Madge Vag - took me to task over my plans for a restructured police force in the town. And when I say 're-structured' I mainly mean sacked. It is very true that in these difficult economic times, police budgets will need to be carefully trimmed. Locally loved PC Bill Handlebars will sadly be let go after nearly 30 years of service, but rest assured, your safety is paramount. Bill will be replaced by a Community Support Potato. CSPs are an integral part of any 21st century crime-reduction strategy, but they are particularly suited to tackle black, single mother and lesbian criminals in our community.

Police Constable Bill Handlebars: restructured

I am often asked whether there is any actual difference between a regular Police Constable, such as poor, jobless Bill - only three years from retirement and now completely unemployable - and a potato. And I can honestly say: No, not really, apart from the fact that the potato is unable to arrest, or in fact identify a criminal, and the potato is not really able to apprehend a criminal in the act of getting away, and that the potato is therefore essentially unable to stop any criminal activity occurring.

But the important thing is that the potato is a deterrent to crime. Just one look at our faithful CSP, in its high visibility vest, sporting its fearsome moustache and boggly eyes ... well, when I think about it, Bill and the potato really do have a frightening similarity, but that's probably a good thing. The important difference is that the potato - unlike dear old, partially sighted and slightly drunken Bill - can and will stop crime in the community. All it has to do is blow on its little whistle, and call for back-up. Which it doesn't have.

So this plucky Maris Piper, thrown into the plug-hole of Britain's broken sink, will undoubtedly have its work cut out. As I explained in my page 23 interview of the Morning Twatt last week, keeping Twatt safe does matter to me, because violent crime is on the rise, and the hooded youth of this broken society is to blame. When I say violent crime is "on the rise", I don't necessarily mean it is statistically rising, because if you're interested in statistics, they'll probably show that violent crime has in fact fallen in Twatt, year on year since Labour came to power.

But statistics won't keep your grandma safe at night, or stop your hubcaps being stolen from your drive: just ask the man in the pub. I've spoken to him, I've heard his concerns, and yes, I even bought him a pint of finest Twatter. That man is scared witless. He hasn't even left the pub for the last three years because of the things he has heard that have very probably been happening in his own town. He's demanding neighbourhood safety initiatives such as my "What's That Black Kid Up To?" campaign, which aims to reflect voter concerns about Black and Asian kids hanging around the Cineworld multiplex and acting suspiciously. Granted, not every Black or Asian kid is an actual criminal, but they are all potential criminals.

Community Support Potato Maris Piper: ready for action

Which is where our CSP comes in. He's a potential crime-fighter, which is why he is perfectly suited to deal with the horrific nightly knifings and terrifying daylight muggings that will definitely happen sometime in the future, quite possibly in or around Twatt, or certainly the South West of this hemisphere if not our proud land. Only with the sort of compassionate scaremongering that I am promising can we make this future a reality. As my family motto proudly declares: MANE POTATIS PREHENDO VERMIS [The early potato catches the worm]. With your support, I can get this potato into your Twatt."

Stewart Silverspoon is Conservative MEP for the South West and is standing for the seat of Twatt in the next general election.