Government Advice – Coughs and Sneezes Spread DEATH

You may have heard recently in the news that there has been an outbreak of a new strain of the flu virus that has originated in Central America. If you haven’t heard it on the news, you may have heard about it from friends or family, or from strangers in the street, or the news may have inadvertently formed itself independently in your brain by sheer weight of information osmosis. Your local authorities and national government are well aware of the issues and have taken immediate steps to prevent its spread and avoid any panic and misinformation that may result. Firstly we’d like to say there is absolutely no need to panic, the last major flu pandemic was earlier in the 20th century and many millions of people died, people just like you. This new strain of flu is absolutely treatable and the process of developing a vaccine is already well under way. Of course, none of that allows for mutations that will almost certainly occur, possibly giving rise to a new, far deadlier strain of the virus that will ravage your family and community wiping out large portions of the population.

With just a few simple precautions you can better prepare yourself for your impending doom.

(1) Wash your hands (before and after having sex with farmyard animals)
(2) Avoid sex with farmyard animals
(3) If you are unable to avoid sex with farmyard animals, use a condom and avoid eye contact
(4) If you are unable to avoid eye contact, be sure to slaughter the animal after intercourse, this will ensure that the image of those plaintive, questioning eyes is not burned on your soul forever
(5) If you find yourself too emotionally connected to the animal to slaughter it post-intercourse be sure to wash the animal’s hands (or hooves where appropriate)
(6) Avoid contact with other people who may have come into contact with people who may have had contact with farmyard animals, or anyone who has been on holiday or anyone who has been in contact with anyone who has been on holiday. Those who have been in contact with someone who has been on holiday, and if that holiday involved contact with farmyard animals, should try to avoid contact with pregnant women, the weak-minded and Alan Carr. If you have been in contact with Alan Carr after he has been on holiday you may be eligible for tax credits, but only if your pre-tax bi-weekly income exceeds no more than 3,453,567 shekels.
(7) Don’t go out.

This latest strain of flu is known to scientists as H1N1, but has been popularly dubbed “The Pigs Want You Dead” flu. Other strains of diseases that may or may not yet exist, and may pose a direct threat to your children’s health are Donkey Dropsy, Cat Mumps, Dog Measles, Canary Rubella, Chipmunk AIDS, Gopher Gonorrhea, Fox Syphilis, Badger Beri Beri and the highly virulent Sheep Sniffles.

Remember, if in doubt, text your local news outlet with your concerns before phoning NHS direct. These diseases may kill you, but there is no need to panic as you will almost certainly die of being fat, smoking or driving your car first.

UK Government – keeping you safe.