Ask an expert with Jamie P Spoon!

Here at How Inappropriate we like to try to answer the important questions in life. What are we here for? Is this it? Is there an answer? And, most importantly, is digestive discomfort an actual medical condition?

Of course, we can't answer all these questions ourselves, because we're just the writers. We're not experts. Luckily, though, we know a man who can: a man in a leopard-print cravat and Jimmy Choo shoes. He's loud, he's proud, he's our very own expert, he's the star of Empire FM's ground-breaking makeover fashion show, Being Irritated by Some Experts, he's Jamie P Spoon. Every month, he'll deal with whatever fashion faux-pas, make-up mistakes and hairstyle horrors you throw his way, so start sending your questions now via the comments box at the bottom of the page!

Jamie at home.

“Hello my delicious readers and Oh. My. God. What in Karl Lagerfeld is this website design all about? It's absolutely drab-ulous! Everyone knows that black and red is sooo 2008. These boys need to ditch the monochrome misery-fest and start funking it up with some flamingo pinks and burnt sienna pantones, or I'm outta here, geek-a-zoids! Right, let's go to the fashion-feed, style-warriors!

Hi Jamie, I've been a size 14 since I had my baby Timpany two years ago, and I'm still carrying baby weight but trying desperately to lose weight to re-ignite the spark in my marriage. Can you tell me how to look sexy for my husband? Please help, LaTrisha.

Hello LaTrisha and Crikey Moses, what have you done to yourself? I'm guessing it takes on average six months to lose your baby-flab, although Victoria Beckham set the record at three minutes and 17 seconds, which is something you ought to be aiming for! But no, honey, sadly you allowed your once firm body to submit to the ravages of time and chocolate, until you became the bloated, saggy, pathetic gorgon you are today, begging for my help to be attractive to her hubby again. Let's face it, love, you look like a sack of rotten aubergines that have just been attacked by a pyromaniac with a baseball bat: it's never going to happen. The best you can do is to leave home and start selling your time-ravaged body to chubby-lovers, girl.

Hi Jamie, I'm a seventeen year old girl who's size 6 – 8, yet I'm always concerned that other girls in my class think I'm fat. I'd love to get Lindsay Lohan's waif-like look, but how? Love, Suzie.

Hello Suzie, and I'll tell you how you get Lindsay Lohan's look: pick up a solid smack habit pronto. Until then, face it honey – you'll always be tempted by the delicious lardnuts in life. Come on Suzie, don't you want a lovely chocolate brownie? It's so rich and succulent and gooey, and it slips back up as easily as it goes down! The important thing to remember is this: each and every throw-away comment of your girlfriends' matters greatly, and if one of them thinks you've put on an ounce of weight, it's straight off to the toilets for a spot of lunch-leaving for you honey!

Hey Jamie: I'm a gay 18-year old who's too shy to go to gay-bars because my pimples keep breaking out and I never know what to wear to impress the sexy boys. Can you help? You're the best, love Bryan.

Hello Bryan, and I've got some fool proof spot-reduction advice for you. You'll never be spotted by hygiene queens if you don't leave your house, so stay inside dear, and wear a coat of thick bleach until the blackheads fall off of their own accord. Failing that, just face the reality that you're a no-mark, pizza-faced, shadow-dodging, limp-lipped sad-sack, and top yourself now to get all the momentary fame that a meaningless teenage suicide can bring. Lots of love, Jamie.”