The Path of Least Wesistance
What a gween woom!
As you'll no doubt be aware Jonathan Ross' time at the BBC is coming to an end. His reign there has not been without controversy, indeed one particular episode of his Friday night chat show was so controversial it never made it to air. Of course here at How Inappropriate we have our fingers firmly round the throbbing jugular of the media, and so are able to bring you the transcript of that episode, when the greatest rock band the world has ever known found themselves on Wossy's sofa.
Wossy - What a gween woom ladies and gentlemen, isn't it? I'd like to have sexual intercourse with each and evewy one of them, let me tell you. Shall I bwing out my first guest? Love them or loathe them, there’s no avoiding them, they are of course, The Path Of Least Wesistance.
<The band take 5 minutes to reach the stage, somehow. Kevin Piles, the drummer, approaches the 4 Puffs and a Piano as they launch into a truly awful rendition of Tina Turner's "Simply The Best" and slams down the lid of the piano on the pianist's fingers. Eventually they all take their seats on Wossy's sofa>
Wossy: Wow! What an entwance, gweat to have you on the show.
Geoff: Whatever
Tender Kibbles: Shhh
Wossy: Denver Bighorn, Jason Tiffing descwibed your band in The Sunday Times as “the most important thing to happen to the human wace since the invention of language.” I played tennis with him just the other day, he couldn't stop waving about you - is it nice to be spoken if on those terms?
Denver Bighorn: Not really. Language is over-rated.
Wossy: Cwikey! So your latest album "I'm So Fucking Sick Of This Shit" somehow twanscends verbal communication?
Denver Bighorn: We don’t just transcend verbal communication, we transcend everything. I’d have thought that was patently fucking obvious to anyone with an IQ in double figures. That’s probably the one thing that festering pustule Jason Cocking has ever got right since he first put crayon to wallpaper. He’s a fucking paedophile, you know. And you didn't write these questions did you?
Wossy: Tender Kibbles, you play guitar with the band-
Tender Kibbles: Fuck off, I’m trying to concentrate.
Wossy: I hate to intewwupt a genius at work but…
Tender Kibbles: Then fucking don’t, you cunt.
Wossy: I like to do a bit of complicated fingewing evewy now and then myself, if you know what I mean!
Cockfucker pickups come as standard.
Tender Kibbles: You fucking twat, I’ve completely lost my place now. If you must know, not that you’ll even understand what I’m talking about, I’m converting Rachmaninov’s 3rd concerto for bassoon and tuba from the patently banal, original E flat to my own key of F flat. It sounds loads better already. Rachmaninov didn’t know shit, fucking halfwit. Of course it’d be too simple with a normal guitar, even with every other string toned down a 15th of a semitone, which is the conventional way to achieve the revolutionary F flat scale, which is why I got this made. It’s a custom built Fendibsonrickenbackerdoubledecker with cockfucker pick-ups at both ends, and on the back, to pick up trouser resonance. It cost £750,000 to make, has to be stringed with piano strings, all tuned to F flat, which themselves cost £350 each, and, although it’s an electric guitar it can’t be plugged in. The reason it can’t be plugged in is far too complicated to explain to your special-needs audience, but suffice to say that if it was the electromagnetic field generated would be so strong that it would render the player impotent, and cause a rift in the fabric of space/time. It can only be played upside down too. That’s essential.
Wossy: Wight....so, Kevin Piles, you haven’t always been flavour of the month, indeed there was the comment from the Unquestionably Weverwend Earnest T Spatchcock, long time contwibutor to Empire FM’s “Rude Thought For The Day” that you were “worse than the holocaust”. How do you wespond to such cwiticism?
<Kevin Piles stands up pulls trousers and pants down to his ankles and defecates loudly and messily on the stage. Pulls trousers back up and returns to his seat>
Kevin Piles: You’ll notice, Jonathan, that I didn’t wipe my arse, that’s how I respond to criticism.
Introducing The Path Of Least Resistance
It is our unquestionable privilege this week to introduce to you possibly the most exciting new musical act the world has ever seen. Ladies and gentlemen, behold, The Path Of Least Resistance.
Eat this Albarn
The Path of Least Resistance – Biography
Conventional history states that the phenomenon known as The Path Of Least Resistance began life in the bedroom of a 13 year old boy, somewhere on the outskirts of Chester in the late 1990s. The boy, still as yet unidentified, opened the bundled application Microsoft Paint, on his new PC, and a legend was born.
The band themselves deny this chain of events entirely, claiming that, “Anyone who thinks that’s how it happened is clearly a retarded paedophile.”
In the words of the band’s frontman, Denver Bighorn,
“The Path Of Least Resistance have always existed, since the dawn of time. You know those spastic cave paintings with the blokes chasing the hairy cows? That was when we first became manifest on planet Earth. We are, what some primitive, half-witted, fuckers refer to as God, but that doesn’t even come close to describing our importance. Throughout history we’ve strived to display ourselves in a manner which protects feeble human eyes from our incandescent glory, Michaelangelo’s David, Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa, that picture of that tennis player scratching her arse, all have been media for our eternal message; that of our own greatness.
Yes, it’s true that now we appear as MS Paint drawings that could have been rendered better by a 5 year old with severe learning difficulties, but we can’t expect you sponge-brained genital warts to understand why, it’s far too complicated. Obviously we’ve saved the music industry with our unparalleled talent, and given the Internet an actual purpose, but frankly, we weren’t trying to, and we couldn’t care less anyway. You’re all fucking paedophiles, the lot of you.”
Whatever the true origin of the band, their influence on the music industry, if not modern culture and the human race as a whole, has been fundamental. Their debut single, and title track “Path Of Least Resistance” caused a huge rise in oil prices as manufacturers tried to keep up with demand for CDs, and also caused the Internet to reach melting point as global downloads reached in excess of 7 billion. A remarkable feat given that total world population currently stands at approximately 6 billion.
The band themselves claim that listening to their music is a cure for all known diseases, and is the closest thing that mortals can come to discovering the true nature of God. After the release of their first album, “I’m So Fucking Sick Of This Shit”, global suicide rates increased by 20% as many realised that having witnessed perfection, there was nothing further to live for. When these statistics were released, Denver Bighorn was quoted as saying, “Stupid cunts, they should have waited for our second album.”
Today the band live in a biosphere on the moon because, “The Earth smells”.
The Path Of Least Resistance are:-
Denver Bighorn – lead singer
Tender Kibbles – lead guitarist
Geoff – bassist
Kevin Piles - drummer
