Dr. Strangeroute

This week, How Inappropriate brings you yet another exclusive glimpse at what is being dubbed the hottest movie of the year, about to be released by TfL Films. It's a black comedy about a group of improvements-obessesed Transport Officers in London who plan to implement the nuclear option for Londoners: total travel apocalypse. Through a series of strategic sell-offs and planning cock-ups, the whole of the nation's capital is brought to a standstill and mayhem ensues as eight million residents are unable to get anywhere and are faced with the options of dying in their isolated homes or moving underground (but finding it's shut)! You'll laugh but mainly cry as you find that reality is stranger than fiction in this dystopian picture of today! Key characters include:

Gord Helpusall

Gordon Brown plays himself as the well-meaning but entirely useless U.K. premier Gord Helpusall, who is intent on selling off the Tube, Waterworks and any other utility you care to mention, in a desperate bid to save the nation's economy, and his own job! Hilarity ensues as he pushes through a private finance deal to run the Underground which is opposed by everyone else and inadvertently sets off a lethal wave of improvement works which pound Londoners for the next thirty years. Classic quote: "Ah, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the tube....The tube, Bally. The London Underground....Well, now, what happened is that, uh, one of our consortia...they went a little funny in the head and did a silly thing....they went into administration and attacked three of your city's main transport arteries."

Gen. Doug Roads

David Owens plays Strategic Water Command Executive Officer, General Doug T. Roads, who lets loose his Thames Water bid on the UK. As head of the capital's water-base, Roads takes huge amounts of taxpayers' money to rip up the streets of London because of his paranoid belief that Victorians are sapping and contaminating "all our precious fluids" as part of their plan to provide extremely good public services. Classic quote: "I'm the only one who can call off the roadworks bringing complete chaos to North London. Tell me Bally, have you ever seen naked office workers wrestling to the death?"

Major Incompotence

Boris Johnson plays Major Bally Incompotence, Chief of Staff at the Greater London Authority, who manfully struggles - and fails - to manage his Transport brief as head of TfL, and is unable to prevent Doug Roads from blasting the streets of London apart and turning residents on one another as they fight to the death to get to work. A hysterical buffoon with stupid hair that reminds the viewer of wurzel gummidge having a nervous breakdown, he'll have you splitting your sides and voting for anyone else at the next mayoral election! [Surely: "begging for more?" - Ed.] Classic quote: "Now look hear, old fellow, I may be a dimwitted upper-class Bullingdon-Club-card-carrying toff, but I tell you, if I don't get through to the Prime Minister in the next few hours, well, I'm just going to have to cycle to Downing Street. We can still cycle through Whitehall can't we? Oh, hell."

Dr. Strangeroute

Vernon Everitt plays TfL's mad communications expert, Dr Strangeroute, a man who has problems controlling his right arm - not to mention the travelling public! In the War on Commuters room, Strangeroute explains how Incompotence's efforts to get London moving again are inevitably damned, because fifty years of underinvestment in the capital's infrastructure has set off the ultimate political weapon - the Doomsday Scenario - which would see Londoners forced to vote Conservative at the next election or move to France if they want to travel around a European capital with any measure of convenience. Classic quote: "If routes 141, 347, 73 and 56 are all put on diversion again this weekend, selective procreation would have to be introduced to ensure the survival of the capital's workforce, mein fuherer!"