Election Fever Hits Twatt
Silverspoon: no comment on the Holocaust.
Yes, this fine and noble country is gripped by election madness. Everywhere you go, otherwise sanguine and unflappable citizens who in other times would appear unconcerned by a small invasion of Martians or an outbreak of the plague, are running around like crazed fools, sweating the small stuff over the likelihood of a hung parliament on May 6. Get a grip people!
And of course, no-one is being driven further to distraction than our very own Stewart Silverspoon, MEP for the South West and Conservative candidate for the seat of Twatt, Cornwall. This week he has been facing off with the big guns on Twatt FM. Let's hope he sticks to talking about about his plans for unblocking Twatt's sink and doesn't mention the Blacks. Or Immigration. Or Auschwitz - definitely nothing about that.
My wife stands by me at this difficult time...
A Change is Gonna Come in Twatt. Are you ready punk?
How fresh is your Twatt?
So finally, the election date has officially been announced. Yes readers, May 6 is the day that Twatt gets to throw the hatchet-faced Madge Vaj out by voting for the only candidate for real change - me, Stewart Silverspoon MP. Well, bring it on. Obviously I have been working for a fresher South West from the European Parliament for the last year, but this is the moment I have been waiting for - the chance to implement my plans for a fresher, younger, tighter Twatt. This will be my last post in my Fresh Twatt column during the election, as I have to get on my battlebus and get out the Tory vote. But you can follow the progress of my campaign, and read about all the changes that I am proposing every day via my daily tweets:
- a progressive policy of tielessness for all local professionals, paid for out of efficiency savings in Twatt Town Hall (I will personally be reducing my six-strong residential staff from my second home in Happy Bottom by a third);
- hybrid-technology busses servicing the High street, reducing emissions from your Twatt by 70%, and a brand new terminus for these planet-hugging machines, built over a virtually disused Children's Centre. The bus station will be paid for by closing the grossly inefficient fire station, which I have discovered is only operational when a fire is reported!
- a Maris Piper potato in every street in Twatt, supporting the invaluable work that our local police force (PC Bill Handlebars) carries out in the community. The Community Support Potato scheme will be paid for out of Bill's salary, when he is regrettably sacked next month.
So as you can see these are not idle promises, nor a wish list of un-costed gimmicks, as Ms Vaj has suggested. These are real changes that I will be bringing to fix Twatt's sink, and end the years of harmful wealth redistribution in our community since the Conservatives successfully broke the Union of Cornish Tin Miners (Now Uni-Corn) fifteen years ago. Can we really endure five more years of Madge Vaj and her target-obsessed cronies? Can we stand by whilst she launches yet another ill-thought out scheme to provide hideously wasteful round-the-clock care to Twatt's pensioners? Or put the Council Tax up by 1p so that she can build a swanky new youth club for the black and asian hoodies potentially destroying our neighbourhood? It makes me shudder just to think about it.
But, in the words of the late great Notorious B.I.G., Things Done Changed. On May 6, Twatt will come to its senses and return me to parliament. And you too have a part to play in a Conservative victory. My close friend David Cameron also needs your vote: a vote for change. People have said to me, "We can't go back to the eighties!" To which I often reply, why not?! Really, what was so bad about that decade? Didn't everyone (well nearly everyone) get richer? Didn't everyone (quite a lot of people anyway) have the opportunity to improve their lives? And didn't everyone (well many of the Silverspoon clan for sure) love TV's greatest crime-fighting duo, Hardcastle and McCormick? In fact, who wouldn't go back there tomorrow, given half the chance?
Well, now the whole nation has a real chance to go backward on May 6. I'm asking you to not to Change Your Mind. Change For Me. Yes my friends, Something Changed. In the glorious words of the Silverspoon family motto: MUTATIS OPES NUSQUAM (The Times They Are A-Changing).
Vote Conservative.
When it comes to violent crime, I’m behind the potato.
What's That Black Kid Up To?
"A big hello to all the regular readers of my campaign journal, Twatt Matters, not to mention avid online followers of my twitter feed, Silver Twatter. As you all know, I am busy doorstepping my potential constituents in the historic Cornish mining town of Twatt, and telling them about my plans for tielessness in their community. Yes: if Twatt returns me to Parliament, I will banish the blight of regularly tied ties from public places, but no: there will not be an outright ban on Windsor knots, which are a fine British tradition. Under the Conservatives, it will be responsibly managed social change, carefully policed.
And talking of the police, this week my opponent - Labour candidate Madge Vag - took me to task over my plans for a restructured police force in the town. And when I say 're-structured' I mainly mean sacked. It is very true that in these difficult economic times, police budgets will need to be carefully trimmed. Locally loved PC Bill Handlebars will sadly be let go after nearly 30 years of service, but rest assured, your safety is paramount. Bill will be replaced by a Community Support Potato. CSPs are an integral part of any 21st century crime-reduction strategy, but they are particularly suited to tackle black, single mother and lesbian criminals in our community.
Police Constable Bill Handlebars: restructured
I am often asked whether there is any actual difference between a regular Police Constable, such as poor, jobless Bill - only three years from retirement and now completely unemployable - and a potato. And I can honestly say: No, not really, apart from the fact that the potato is unable to arrest, or in fact identify a criminal, and the potato is not really able to apprehend a criminal in the act of getting away, and that the potato is therefore essentially unable to stop any criminal activity occurring.
But the important thing is that the potato is a deterrent to crime. Just one look at our faithful CSP, in its high visibility vest, sporting its fearsome moustache and boggly eyes ... well, when I think about it, Bill and the potato really do have a frightening similarity, but that's probably a good thing. The important difference is that the potato - unlike dear old, partially sighted and slightly drunken Bill - can and will stop crime in the community. All it has to do is blow on its little whistle, and call for back-up. Which it doesn't have.
So this plucky Maris Piper, thrown into the plug-hole of Britain's broken sink, will undoubtedly have its work cut out. As I explained in my page 23 interview of the Morning Twatt last week, keeping Twatt safe does matter to me, because violent crime is on the rise, and the hooded youth of this broken society is to blame. When I say violent crime is "on the rise", I don't necessarily mean it is statistically rising, because if you're interested in statistics, they'll probably show that violent crime has in fact fallen in Twatt, year on year since Labour came to power.
But statistics won't keep your grandma safe at night, or stop your hubcaps being stolen from your drive: just ask the man in the pub. I've spoken to him, I've heard his concerns, and yes, I even bought him a pint of finest Twatter. That man is scared witless. He hasn't even left the pub for the last three years because of the things he has heard that have very probably been happening in his own town. He's demanding neighbourhood safety initiatives such as my "What's That Black Kid Up To?" campaign, which aims to reflect voter concerns about Black and Asian kids hanging around the Cineworld multiplex and acting suspiciously. Granted, not every Black or Asian kid is an actual criminal, but they are all potential criminals.
Community Support Potato Maris Piper: ready for action
Which is where our CSP comes in. He's a potential crime-fighter, which is why he is perfectly suited to deal with the horrific nightly knifings and terrifying daylight muggings that will definitely happen sometime in the future, quite possibly in or around Twatt, or certainly the South West of this hemisphere if not our proud land. Only with the sort of compassionate scaremongering that I am promising can we make this future a reality. As my family motto proudly declares: MANE POTATIS PREHENDO VERMIS [The early potato catches the worm]. With your support, I can get this potato into your Twatt."
Stewart Silverspoon is Conservative MEP for the South West and is standing for the seat of Twatt in the next general election.
A Fresher Twatt in 2010: Silverspoon campaign launched
Silverspoon: not pro-carpet munching
As you are all perfectly well aware, this month saw the slightly cack-handed launch of the Cameron Campaign to clean up Broken Britain, and flog it off cheap at a Tory car boot sale. Our own man for the job of fixing Twatt's 'broken sink' - MEP Stewart Silverspoon - is also out on the campaign trail, patiently trying to explain to the villagers why their mining town would be so much nicer with a couple more hybrid-technology busses and a few less carpet-munching dole-scum. Let's all drink to that!
You know what they say, there aren't no friend loike that up Twatt...
Stewart Silverspoon on the Campaign Trail in Twatt
Silverspoon: man for the job
Apparently David Cameron is going to be Prime Minister next. News Media outlets in this country could not be more positive about thatand, coming hot on the back of their astonishingly accurate predictions of the massive economic crash we've just experienced, who could possibly doubt them? So you'll be wanting to get to know your local Conservative candidate, we've already had a number of blog entries from Twatt's very own Stewart Silverspoon, and now we're out following him as he "doorsteps" his constituents. WARNING! THIS SKETCH CONTAINS ACCENTS THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND OFFENSIVE!
Kompassionate Konservatives!!
Fresh Twatt: An apology from Stewart Silverspoon MEP
Silverspoon: denies everything
"Following some comments that have been attributed to me by a number of media outlets over the last week, I would like to use my Twatt Matters blog to offer my unreserved apologies, clarifications and outright denials, as appropriate.
Firstly I would like to say that I am terribly sorry for my misjudged and badly recorded outburst to Mr Baxter Bistock during a broadcast of The Bisto Roast that the new expenses system was "completely insane" and and that I had been "fucked up the arse good and proper" by a cabal of "pinko-liberal Labour morons" who were pursuing a "deliberate vendetta" which was designed "to put hard-up millionnaire Tory grandees on the skids" and that I thought Gordon Brown was a "Presbyterian hair-shirted hypocritical imbecile" who should be "dangled over Westminster Bridge by his feet until he comes to his senses".
Obviously these comments were made in jest, and a closer review of the recording proves the Mr Bistock laughed uproariously throughout this exchange, and subsequently suggested that I was a "charming" man with "balanced viewpoints" and "excellent hair". To suggest that I was in any way unhappy with these appropriately more austere mesures to curb parliamentary expenses, and indeed would actually dangle Mr Brown off a bridge to make this point, is to make light of the very real plight of the most disadvantaged members of our diverse community, viz. Cornish Blacks, public sector worker retards and lone parent carpet-munching dole-scum.
I am also shocked and appalled by my denunciation of the NHS earlier this week. Once again, as soon as Mr Cameron had one of his image consultants phone me about the matter, I realised that despite my proximity to our Leader-in-waiting's inner circle, I was completely out-of-line and unauthorised to annouce the death of the National Health Service, or to say that anyone still trying to access medical attention from this organisation was "clearly mental" because it employs doctors who are "quacks and goons" who "couldn't cure a headache", and accountants who "are trying to rob Peter Patient to pay Gordon Brown". In fact, I was especially correct to point out that the NHS is so "desperately cash-starved it should be shut down, parcelled up and flown over to Africa, where they're all so bloody backward it would probably be seen as a good thing".
Once again, I am not sure that I made these comments at all, but if I did I was just gently ribbing some of my very wealthy doctor friends, who are naturally employed by Bupa, and who would never consider working for such an underperforming piss-poor health service. I would also like to retract the comments I just made about the NHS being "piss-poor", which of course it is.
As I have been live-blogging these unreserved denials, a reader has just tweeted to say that he was outraged by my use of the phrase "lone parent carpet-munching dole-scum" in an earlier outburst. I would like to say for the record that I have the greatest respect for the gay and lesbian community of Twatt, and to suggest that I in some way think less of lone parents because they are all obese benefit-stealing chavs with the parenting skills of Tracey Connelly, is to belittle the very real concerns of voters who chow down on box.
Will this do, David?"
Stewart Silverspoon is Conservative MEP for the South West and is standing for the seat of Twatt in the next general election.