Behind The Scenes of HI – the camera is a lying bastard
We know that many of you refuse to believe that comedy of the calibre that appears on this site could possibly come from only two men (and half a woman because Ali doesn't turn up that often), but it's true. It's not even our full time work, we sidle this genius in around our normal, workaday lives like a skunk dealer sidles up to you outside Brixton tube. You probably still don't believe us because you're suspicious, cynical, world-weary misanthropes, every single one of you, but damn it all we'll prove it. Here's a collection of photos taken as the miracle unfolds.
Heterosexual as fuck.
A hard-earned drink at the beginning of a long recording session.
We create all our own sound effects. This effect was intended to demonstrate me getting pissed off while Jove threw sour cream around my room.
Sour cream cleared away, it's time for the real work to begin. You will note that Jove is nowhere to be seen.
Strange Polish snacks = ideas!!
Appearances can be deceptive. This is not in fact a picture of my 2 year old nephew's latest scrawlings, this is in fact Jove's "handwriting".
"Run this by me one more time. You say this is a Komp-ewter? What does it do?"
Confused and frightened by the computer, Jove uses his special balancing-things-on-my-head technique to calm himself.
In this photo: Nuts, beer and a stubby holder. Three things clearly missing from the Seven Wonders Of The World and integral to our creative process.
"Fancy a beer Sid?", "You're not wrong Jonno!"
Almost as important as snacks and beer: coffee and heart-crippling Polish donuts.
Donuts - fuck yeah.
Concentrating hard to make the sound funny, it's a serious business...
So serious that Jove has to resort to balancing things again to calm his nerves.
Beer - the real star of the show.
We hope you've enjoyed this little photo essay, and now understand that despite the glossy, professional veneer we present through this site, we are in fact, just a couple of bungling amateurs with an alcohol and snacks problem.
Island Tourist Information
About 15 months ago, Bransby and I were holidaying on the Isle of Arran, where we were putting the finishing touches to the Pilot Episode (See, even on holiday we are working: that's how dedicated we are to the project), when we became aware that, despite numerous glossy brochures available at the Brodick tourist information centre informing us all of the outdoor activities on offer, everything was always closed so that the owners could "play a spot of golf" (the Scots having invented the game, and therefore being blimmin' crazy about it).
A few months later, over a few beers in the BBC canteen, we felt compelled to write a hilarious sketch about this amusing pecularity of the island, and for reasons I still don't understand to this day, Bransby felt compelled to write a punchline for it. I begged him not to, loyal HI fans, I really did. After all, we never wrote gags before, so why fix what ain't broke?
Long story short: Bransby persevered, and about two hours later he had painfully managed to write said punchline. I don't want to say it was an unmitigated disaster, but really it was as funny as scrotal cancer and he has never tried to write another joke since. I'll let you be the final judge of his efforts in the following clip.
So there you are, a brand new sketch to listen to, and a thrilling behind-the-scenes glimpse of the miserable train-wreck that is our writing partnership. Don't say we don't give you value for your money. In fact you don't pay us shit, so don't say nothing at all, you moaning minnie. Just play the damn clip.
Are ye looking for bogles?
The Third Wheel of How Inappropriate
The more astute amongst you will have noticed that How Inappropriate and all its subsidiaries are something more than the sum of their parts. Essentially that’s a flowery, and slightly incorrect way of saying, “it’s not just me and Jove”. No. There is a third wheel on this bicycle, making it a tricycle. That third wheel is the remarkable Alison Mann. This week’s post is all about her.
Alison Mann – A Profile
Alison "Super" Mann
Name: Alison “Super” Mann
DOB: 09/06/1953
Star Sign: Capricorn
Hair Colour: Depends
Eyes: 2
High-functioning alcoholic: Yes
Sex: Virgin
Favourite other member of How Inappropriate: Bransby
Alison Interviewed
How Inappropriate: So Alison, you’ve been part of our little group for a couple of years now, what have been the highlights?
Alison Mann: Mainly the drinking.
HI: And the laughs obviously.
AM: Not so much, no.
HI: Do you get involved much in the writing process?
AM: I’ve tried to make some suggestions here and there but you two are so sensitive that you think I’m criticising your work and you usually both end up crying.
HI: Oh, Alison, you’re so funny! And the way the sunlight shines off your hair like that is captivating.
AM: Don’t touch me.
HI: Now, clearly there has been some tension between myself and Jove at various times over the past few years, mainly because of Jove’s incessant whining and his inability to form a coherent sentence with his big, flappy lips. How have you coped with that friction?
AM: Drinking, and occasionally disciplining you both.
HI: And I’d just like to say that we’ve appreciated the discipline, really, really appreciated it. We need more, good, hard discipline.
AM: Don’t touch me.
HI: Finally, Alison, I think all our readers would love to know, who do you prefer, me or Jove?
AM: You’re both equally tedious.
HI: But you lean more towards me, yes?
AM: Not really.
HI: Shall I take that as a “yes”?
AM: No.
HI: I’m going to write “Bransby”.
AM: I don’t prefer you.
HI: Given a choice though, I’m sure you’d go for me, right?
AM: No.
HI: Prefers Bransby. Well thanks for your time Alison.
AM: Can I have the case of wine now?
HI: I love you.
Bransby
When websites go bad!
Some of you may have noticed that this website was offline for a short spell last week. Here at How Inappropriate we pride ourselves on our professionalism and would like to sincerely apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused. Exactly what kind of inconvenience it could have caused is a little beyond my imagination at the moment, I mean really, how could our admittedly resplendent website going offline inconvenience you in any way? Certainly it’s varied, amusing, topical and frequently baffling, but come on! It inconvenienced you by being offline for a couple of days? Get fucked, stop your bitch-ass whining, you god-damned pansies!
Anyway, this little behind the scenes update is to give you some insight into the technicalities of running a fully-fledged multi-media portal such as the one your eyes rest upon. I have spent many hours slaving over text books on PHP and MYSQL so that I could, ultimately, give up on them and just switch on the automatic Wordpress installation that comes with my web-hosting package. Still, many hours have been spent strategising, developing, adapting and learning about the mechanics that drive this site, but such is the nature of modern-day whimsy that one single mistake was able to scupper our efforts for a few days at least.
Jove "fat fingers" Smalley
That single mistake was Jovian. To be more precise I could narrow it down to “giving Jovian the admin password to the website”, but for the sake of brevity I’m going to go with “Jovian”. For those of you out of the loop, Jovian is my co-writer here at How Inappropriate. He probably considers himself something of an artist, a poet if you will, and as such I usually don’t want to bother him with the trivialities of how things work, but you should have seen his confused little eyes light up when I suggested that he might actually be able to contribute something to the website other than his usual “hilarious” post-modern wank. With, as time has told, reckless abandon I suggested to my technologically-challenged compadre that with just a little knowledge he could actually, you know, help.
Well a little knowledge is a dangerous thing especially when it constitutes ALL your knowledge as apparently it does for Jove. It would have been nice to believe he could have safely updated the website, even adding new categories and tags where appropriate (or INappropriate aha ha) without incident, but on one fateful day my congnitively dysfunctional amigo saw a little button that suggested upgrading the software that our entire site is built upon and like a twat he pressed it. Even after the warnings urging him to back-up the site before proceeding (something he singularly failed to do), his fat little fingers just couldn’t stop clicking. Like some crazed 4 year old high on E numbers and determined to shovel as much pic’n’mix into his stupid face as physically possible before Diabetes melts his spleen, the less significant half of How Inappropriate went boldly forth and fucked it all up.
I was holidaying in the south of France when I received the phone call. Like some terrified victim his voice trembled over the phone, “B-b-b-bransby, the w-w-w-website’s disappeared!” Although I’m almost too young to remember Crossroads, it still somehow reminded me of Benny.
So there you are ladies and gentlemen, another glimpse behind the scenes of the ongoing car-crash that is How Inappropriate. I hope this will allow you greater understanding of what I have to go through working alongside the comedy-writing equivalent of Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose.
Bransby "competent" Macdonald-Williams
Behind The Scenes at How Inappropriate
The creative process we go through to bring you such exceptional comedy offerings is long and arduous. We are delighted to be able to offer you some insight into the workings of our genius so you can understand just how great we are. To that end, we recently had a brainstorm (or a cloudbursting session as our friends at Flange PR like to call it) to help generate more ideas. I was tasked with capturing the fireworks on paper, and I've taken the liberty of scanning my notes so you can see what goes on "behind the scenes".
An insight into the genius of How Inappropriate