There was a what??
**NEWS FLASH**
This surprised us as much as anyone, and you’re not going to believe it, but apparently there was an ELECTION LAST WEEK!! I know!! When the hell did that happen? You’d think they could have mentioned it on the telly or something wouldn’t you? Anyway, long story short, the Tories are in power again (kind of) but only because all of a sudden Call-Me-Dave Cameron and Nick “wouldn’t-have-known-who-he-was-if-he’d-introduced-himself-4-weeks-ago” Clegg are now apparently taking warm showers together and cuddling long into the night.
The main story here is that the Conservative Party are in government again. Now regular readers of How Inappropriate will be aware that we are long-time supporters of the blue team, and have admired their policies, politics and dramatic lack of chins or conscience for many, many years. We yearn for the days of 3 million unemployed and persecution of the vulnerable for the sake of a bit of tax-cutting for the richest in society; it’s what made Britain great. The question that immediately bursts forth from our quivering lips though is “What next for the Kompashonit Konservativz?” (yes we learned to spell under a Tory govt. too.)
It’s a dilemma, the Tories’ main philosophy revolves around selling anything that rightfully belongs to the British public in order to promote dubious and failing free-market ideologies. But of course, they sold everything in the 80s, and Nu Labour, being a spineless bunch of pseudo-Thatcherites under the thrall of Tony “I’ve-got-a-grin-like-a-Cheshire-Cat-that-doesn’t-waver-for-a-second-even-when-someone-mentions-a-million-dead-Iraqis” Blair, didn’t bother reversing those sales. So what to sell next? There’s nothing left! The national cupboards are bare! They sold the cupboards! They’re now owned by a Conglomerate based in Belize!
Well we’re not going to let a problem like this go unsolved so we’ve racked our brains for literally minutes and come up with the following suggestions of what they can privatise next:
1. The Air.
Might not seem like the obvious choice and attaching sponsorship to something invisible and ubiquitous might be tricky but with lower taxes no doubt some dazzling entrepreneur can find a way to make us somehow think of Pepsi or JP Morgan Investments every time we inhale. For too long people in this country have lazed about thinking that they can just breathe this oxygen as if it’s their own.
2. The British Public.
The sheer capital gain to be made from exploiting the vast reserves or human labour available in this nation of ours makes this an un-missable opportunity. If we were to simply sell into slavery all those members of the public who contribute nothing to GDP: stay-at-home mothers, the poor, the unemployed, the disabled (all the non-working disabled anyway, which, let’s be honest, is most of them the lazy sods), we could pay down our deficit and allow everyone earning over £250,000 a year to pay absolutely no tax at all!
3. The Queen.
Frankly we can’t believe nobody’s thought of this before. It’s obvious, everyone loves her, she’s recognised the world over and the sponsorship rights alone would provide enough revenue to give every right-minded person in this country a fox to mindlessly chase down and butcher every weekend. If that doesn’t sell it to you, picture this:
This year's Christmas Address to the Nation is brought to you by Anne Summers - 2-4-1 on all rabbit-headed dildos from now until the end of January
We rest our case.
So come on you Tories, let's not feel glum, yes it's true you couldn't win an election outright even after 13 years of a Labour government which had betrayed it's grassroots supporters, waged 2 un-winnable wars and presided over the worst recession since WWII, but all is not lost, there are still national treasures to flog and poor people to persecute, so come on, on your bikes and back to work!
Election Fever Hits Twatt
Silverspoon: no comment on the Holocaust.
Yes, this fine and noble country is gripped by election madness. Everywhere you go, otherwise sanguine and unflappable citizens who in other times would appear unconcerned by a small invasion of Martians or an outbreak of the plague, are running around like crazed fools, sweating the small stuff over the likelihood of a hung parliament on May 6. Get a grip people!
And of course, no-one is being driven further to distraction than our very own Stewart Silverspoon, MEP for the South West and Conservative candidate for the seat of Twatt, Cornwall. This week he has been facing off with the big guns on Twatt FM. Let's hope he sticks to talking about about his plans for unblocking Twatt's sink and doesn't mention the Blacks. Or Immigration. Or Auschwitz - definitely nothing about that.
My wife stands by me at this difficult time...
How Inappropriate’s Election Guide to the Big Ones
We know now that the majority of you consider How Inappropriate to be your most reliable source of information in this crazy world in which we live. We're very proud of that fact but also consider it a great responsibility. This week we intend to give you all the info you'll ever need about the 3 major British political parties in order to better prepare you for when you can't be bothered getting off your fat arses to go and vote. Without further ado we give you mainstream British politics in a nutshell.
 Gordon Brown |  Key Policies: 1. Cut public services to reduce deficit. 2. Regulate banks to ensure conditions that created deficit do not arise again - but only a bit. 3. Encourage economic recovery through raising stamp duty threshold and supporting first-time house buyers. 4. Securing The Future. 5. Bringing Honesty back to Politics. 6. Changing a Fairer Britain. 7. Fair, honest, future, change, future futurey, changey change, fairy fairer. 8. Um ... 9. Er ... 10. Approve a new Heathrow runway. In the event of a Hung Parliament: > Will get into bed with Lib Dems. |
 David Cameron |  Key Policies: 1. Cut public services to reduce deficit. 2. Regulate banks to ensure conditions that created deficit do not arise again - but only a bit. 3. Encourage economic recovery through raising stamp duty threshold and supporting first-time house buyers. 4. Building A Bigger Britain. 5. Power to the People. 6. Real Change For an Honest Society. 7. Fair, honest, future, change, future futurey, changey change, fairy fairer. 8. Um ... 9. Er ... 10. Approve a new Wind Power station. In the event of a Hung Parliament: > Will get into bed with anyone. |
 Nick Clegg |  Key Policies: 1. Cut public services to reduce deficit. 2. Regulate banks to ensure conditions that created deficit do not arise again - but only a bit. 3. Encourage economic recovery through raising stamp duty threshold and supporting first-time house buyers. 4. Hardwiring A Powerful Future. 5. Securing Honest Change. 6. Mild Green Fairer Liquid. 7. Fair, honest, future, change, future futurey, changey change, fairy fairer. 8. Um ... 9. Er ... 10. Reject a new Trident system. In the event of a Hung Parliament: > Will collectively jizz in party pants. |
God’s Naming Committee reconvene
A while ago, we published our unique take on a slightly odd concept - what a committee meeting convened by the Great Creator on the seventh day to give names to all the things he had created - would sound like. Bear with us, it's not quite as dull as we're now making it sound. Well this week, they're naming fruit. There's literally nothing that isn't funny about that.
Christ's balls Dave, that truly sucks.
A Change is Gonna Come in Twatt. Are you ready punk?
How fresh is your Twatt?
So finally, the election date has officially been announced. Yes readers, May 6 is the day that Twatt gets to throw the hatchet-faced Madge Vaj out by voting for the only candidate for real change - me, Stewart Silverspoon MP. Well, bring it on. Obviously I have been working for a fresher South West from the European Parliament for the last year, but this is the moment I have been waiting for - the chance to implement my plans for a fresher, younger, tighter Twatt. This will be my last post in my Fresh Twatt column during the election, as I have to get on my battlebus and get out the Tory vote. But you can follow the progress of my campaign, and read about all the changes that I am proposing every day via my daily tweets:
- a progressive policy of tielessness for all local professionals, paid for out of efficiency savings in Twatt Town Hall (I will personally be reducing my six-strong residential staff from my second home in Happy Bottom by a third);
- hybrid-technology busses servicing the High street, reducing emissions from your Twatt by 70%, and a brand new terminus for these planet-hugging machines, built over a virtually disused Children's Centre. The bus station will be paid for by closing the grossly inefficient fire station, which I have discovered is only operational when a fire is reported!
- a Maris Piper potato in every street in Twatt, supporting the invaluable work that our local police force (PC Bill Handlebars) carries out in the community. The Community Support Potato scheme will be paid for out of Bill's salary, when he is regrettably sacked next month.
So as you can see these are not idle promises, nor a wish list of un-costed gimmicks, as Ms Vaj has suggested. These are real changes that I will be bringing to fix Twatt's sink, and end the years of harmful wealth redistribution in our community since the Conservatives successfully broke the Union of Cornish Tin Miners (Now Uni-Corn) fifteen years ago. Can we really endure five more years of Madge Vaj and her target-obsessed cronies? Can we stand by whilst she launches yet another ill-thought out scheme to provide hideously wasteful round-the-clock care to Twatt's pensioners? Or put the Council Tax up by 1p so that she can build a swanky new youth club for the black and asian hoodies potentially destroying our neighbourhood? It makes me shudder just to think about it.
But, in the words of the late great Notorious B.I.G., Things Done Changed. On May 6, Twatt will come to its senses and return me to parliament. And you too have a part to play in a Conservative victory. My close friend David Cameron also needs your vote: a vote for change. People have said to me, "We can't go back to the eighties!" To which I often reply, why not?! Really, what was so bad about that decade? Didn't everyone (well nearly everyone) get richer? Didn't everyone (quite a lot of people anyway) have the opportunity to improve their lives? And didn't everyone (well many of the Silverspoon clan for sure) love TV's greatest crime-fighting duo, Hardcastle and McCormick? In fact, who wouldn't go back there tomorrow, given half the chance?
Well, now the whole nation has a real chance to go backward on May 6. I'm asking you to not to Change Your Mind. Change For Me. Yes my friends, Something Changed. In the glorious words of the Silverspoon family motto: MUTATIS OPES NUSQUAM (The Times They Are A-Changing).
Vote Conservative.
Introducing The Commander – Part 1
This week, we are very proud to bring you the very first thing Bransby and Jovian ever wrote together, way back in 2007. It's mainly concerned with what the head of an evil underworld agency - hell-bent on world domination - might sound like if he were channelling Leslie Phillips ("Hello ... ding dong!" etc) from a Carry On-style farce. Ladies and Gentlepeople, we humbly present ... The Commander.